Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Neurology Appointment

   KiKi had his second neurology appointment this morning. He doesn't have to go back in for a full year this time. The neurologist was happy about the social interaction progress KiKi's made, and the progession in mobility. He gave me a few things to look at for, in case the muscle tension from the cerebral palsy gets worse. He also made a referral to a geneticist to test from a chromosone deficiency, which would not make a difference in treatment but would be something worth noting if Zoko ever has children. We discussed therapy options and schooling options, and he agreed with me that full time enrollment for KiKi seemed to be at high risk for overstimulation, and recommended a therapy only option rather than schooling, since he has three peers at home and his social interaction at this point is doing so well. I told him that I have argued with the school system and about their refusal to allow me to pursue a therapy only option. He was appalled by this, but his only suggestion was to check in to Next Step and see what I could access through them. I have already been working with them trying to get him services through them anyway, but am currently on stand by with paperwork. I have placed a call but need to place another one concerning how to fill out some information to find out if we meet the financial guidelines to acquire assistance through them.
   We also talked about the hearing concerns and how little cooperation I've had with the local ENT specialists in answering my questions pertaining to my specific situation. We discussed these concerns, and I agreed to make another appointment and attempt to resolve these issues again. He also gave me some helpful insight as to specific issues to attempt to address and possible explanations for why they are approaching things in the manner in which they are. None of these things really put my mind at ease about dealing with the other people, but at least gave me some ideas on how to possible approach it in a more meaningful manner. We'll see how that goes.
   As for KiKi, he was stressed as he always is for doctor's appointment, but cooperated well, and only lost his temper twice. After talking to the doctor for ten minutes after the examination, KiKi decided to wander over and initiate contact of his own accord. This in and of itself is a major accomplishment with a doctor. So so far this neurologist seems to at least be willing to listen and KiKi likes him. You take good news where you can find it.  :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Post Christmas Review

   This year is almost over, and we survived another round. Christmas came and went and the end of this week will be the end of this year. As for Christmas, it was alright this year. Didn' really start until evening here because half of us were gone until then. But the half that were here had fun, opened a few gifts, and tried to move past that it was a holiday. Evening brought tiredness and endless squabbles over new toys and how kids think siblings should be forced to share without them having to do so themselves. The kids got lots of new things, mostly from relatives and friends that pitched in. As for ultimate favorites, I have no clue, they kept shifting from one thing to another so fast. Definate hits would include zebra pj's, a furreal kitty, a rock excavation kit, and a my little pony mermaid castle for ZoKo; a fairy statue, tinkerbell bubble bath, a pony plush, and a cinderella barbie for B; monster trucks, and cars & hot wheels toys for Odie; a light-up ball, a shape puzzle, and a slinky for KiKi. Oh, and they all enjoy the coloring books and new puzzles  :)
   The day after Christmas some relatives came with their Christmas surprises, new bikes. It was also my sister's birthday. I hope she had a good time.
   My boyfriend got me a Bast bookend set and two Ansel Adams puzzles, things I've wanted for a long time. I also got a lavender-vanilla set that's supposed to help me sleep which honestly I've been too exhausted to remember to try. So maybe just the vibes from it are sinking in or something  :P  My mom got me a book of scenic pictures of wildlife from around the world, it's beautiful. I got my boyfriend a skunk puppet, to keep the skunk I got him for Valentine's Day company I guess. Got him a few other small things, but nothing else worth really mentioning. I bought my mom a wooden vase I got in St. Louis, and I'm hoping she likes it as much as she says it does.
   For me the holidays have never been about what I receive or the money involved, it's simply making someone else smile. I found a few things after Christmas on clearance that I picked up for some people, will be New Year's presents I suppose. Or maybe Valentine's Day, or just because...
   I can't explain how or why these things mean something to me. They just do. I guess in some way I already feel as though my life's a lost cause but maybe I can change things for one person, even in the smallest of ways. My boyfriend tells me I'm sweet and I argue with him. I don't feel it. I don't feel nice, or sweet, or caring. I feel obligated. Obligated to make my presence mean something to someone. Not the "remember me" large ego type of something. But the "once there was a person" type of something. The something where you make them smile and help them through a rough time and somehow their life is different because of it, but in the end, when it's all said and done, they don't remember you. They know about who you really were, and it doesn't matter. Because that effect you had on them, even just for an instant, that effect was enough to last a lifetime in their soul and they needn't know who you are in order to feel that. I want my life to disappear into anonymity, yet my presence and my soul to have somehow meant something.
   I guess that probably doesn't make much sense, if any at all. But I don't think it needs to, not to you anyway. And here is the part where I fade and the light go out and the sun goes down, and your city becomes dark once more. And you wonder who wanders through these same streets as you. And echoing silently is the answer, that we all do...

Turning Inward: Afraid

QUESTION: What I'm really afraid of is...

What I'm really afraid of is being alone, turning my life into more of a waste than it already is, and leaving nothing to show for it. Not standing up to the ideas my daughter holds true about me, and not being able to give her the future she deserves. I'm afraid of her life turning out to be no better than mine, and knowing that I should have done better by her. I'm afraid of being left in this world with no one to care that I was ever here, that it's true when they say they're better off without me and that my life turns out to be nothing more than the emptiness which I feel every day. I'm afraid that this meaningless feeling will last forever, that the stars will cease to shine in the skies of my night, and that my dreams will disappear intot the vast void without attaining anything in this earthly world to show their existence was ever near peaking to begin with. I'm afraid that all my nightmares are real and I'm as unwanted as I feel. That being needed will never be enough to satisfy this craving within my soul, that the uselessness I feel will continue to haunt me and that no one will ever know the pain my heart aches with every day. But mostly I'm afraid that these things don't matter, that my life has no place in your world anyway, and that the future you see does not contain so much as a remembrance of me. And the knowledge that you are better this way.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Turning Inward: Excitement

QUESTION: What gets you excited? What makes you feel highly motivated and enthusiastic?

Wow, this is not a good one to have on a day when I'm not in the least bit motivated. Or maybe it is. What gets me excited or motivated or enthusiastic? I guess that depends on my mood. Seeing friends does sometimes, but only certain friends. The make-you-feel-better kind. Not the kick-you-while-you're-down ones. And yeah, I have both. Why? I don't know. I guess because when I'm totally blah, even the most negative person I know is more positive than my state of mind. Or maybe it's because in trying to make me feel crappy I realize how lucky I am to not be that pathetic. Okay, that's off topic. Let's see, um, friends coming to visit me when I feel too secluded to want to venture to see them. A friend texting me out of the blue to make me feel wanted or maybe even missed. A hug from my daughter will cure any ail. And finding something I thought I'd lost will always make me remember the past I will never miss. Hmmm, motivation is hard to find somedays. Anything that will make someone else smile is always worth doing. If I know it will cheer up someone else or make their day brighter, I'll try to do it. I rush to finish projects for others ahead of things that are just for me. Most of those things never achieve fruition. The poetry books I'm compiling are for my mom and a close friend that's put a lot of faith in me over the years when no one else has. And even those times when we're not talking, we always manage to patch things up. And somehow I feel I owe this to him, to finish that project. My mom is waiting on an audio version, and I keep telling myself that it will be good to maybe do something right for a change, if that's even possible for me to accomplish. It's worth a shot though, most days. What makes me enthusiastic? Anyone that's ever been shopping with me could answer that. I get excited and enthused about things for my kids, or my boyfriend, or my mom. Something my sister may like, or something that might make my friends smile. For myself, I get excited over Snoopy stuff or Egyptian things, things that are one-off and unique, just like me and my life. I feel a certain strength from finding those treasures that others cast aside, like somehow the power they hold is greater than the past they've lost, sort of like me. So I guess, really, I get excited over anything I can see myself in, the depth of the oblivion that I can disappear into without ever fading away. I get excited over the little things my son accomplishes, it's such a big deal that he can drink from a sippy-cup, or do a puzzle, or stack 12 baby food jars without knocking them over. I get excited over finding the little things in life that everyone else forgets and holding onto those things, giving them a shelter from the chaos of this storm. Excitement isn't hard to find, and neither is enthusiasm. I guess motivation really isn't hard either, as long as you have something strong to push you on those down days. As for what that something really is, I don't think I'll ever understand. Most days it's just a question of doing what you know you have to, simply because you know you have to do it, simply because you know no one else will...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Turning Inward: Environments

QUESTION: What do your home and work environments say about you?

Well I don't "work" per say, being a stay at home mom. But my computer area could be considered my work area because that's where I set up my daughter's schoolwork and everything. Let's see, the dishes and laundry are usually about a day behind and there's always piles of paperwork I have yet to sort through. Several projects that are half finished, and a basket of clean laundry in my room that need put up. So I'm always busy, have way too much scheduled for the time alloted, don't finish nearly as much as I hope to, and never really have much to show for the work that I do finish. As for what that says about me, I guess you can draw your own conclusions. I'd like to think that says I focus more on the things absolutely necessary and less on the things that can wait a while, making sure the kids are always fed and have clean clothes and get their school work done and the bills are always paid and things like that. Of course, you could also say I rarely finish what I start, am disorganized, and tend to procrastinate whenever possible. Both those statements would be true, hopefully. I'm not sure that that says anything I wouldn't have been able to say on my own without the breakdown, but there it is...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Turning Inward: Feelings

QUESTION: What are you feeling right now? Keep writing until you shift from thinking to feeling.

What am I feeling right now? Overwhelmed. It's Christmas Day. My BF just got home with his two kids. My daughter has been on and off about pressuring me to open more gifts. I was trying to have her wait to open most of them until the other kids got here. Been dealing with my mom on the phone, and trying to keep tabs on everyone else. Got lasagna made, no dessert. Have way too many dishes and too much laundry to do. And right now everything is literally just one more thing on a stack already over loaded. I've been sick, and the kids have taken turns as well. I finally got all my shopping done, but I hate that so much waited until last minute. And a lot of what I wanted to get was simply more than I could sanely afford. Bills are due, and there's not many options right now. So yeah, overwhelmed would definitely be my current mood as well as my state of mind right now...

Friday, December 24, 2010

Turning Inward: Highlights & Lowlights (wip)

QUESTION: What have been the highlights of your life so far? The lowlights? What have you learned from each experience?

Highlights -

Lowlights -

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Turning Inward: Priorities (wip)

QUESTION: What are the top five most important priorities in your life right now? Why are they important to you, and what do you need to do to honor them? (these are not in any ranking order, simply the order in which I thought of them while writing)

1. My Kids - They are important because well, they just are. They are the future. Mine and the world's. That just how things are. As for honoring them as a priority, anyone who knows me much knows that most of my time is taken up by them, in one form or another. Between cooking meals and doing laundry, helping with schoolwork and taking to preschool, playing with and doing art projects with them, and whatever else comes up. Kids take a lot of time, but I think that's how it's supposed to be.

2. My Relationship - Trying to make things work with my BF is sometimes more of a struggle than others. I try my hardest to keep things working. As for why, that's easy, because I love him. Some days I wonder why, and other days I wonder if I'm simply guilt-tripping myself into staying out of a sense of obligation. But even on those days I still love him. And he asks me why and I can't tell him. But it's still true. As for honoring that as a priority, I suppose the simplest way is to keep trying, even on those days when I really, really want to just give up and walk away.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Turning Inward: What's Great About Your Life?

   What's great about my life? I suppose it depends on how you look at it. I have great friends who love me (even if they won't say it), and a boyfriend who does his best not to be driven insane by my eccentricities. I think he succeeds most days. I have kids who behave for the most part and usually don't get too unruly and uncooperative. And I have a mother and a sister that I get along well with, a majority of the time at least, I think... So I guess most of what's great about my life are the people on it.
   I get to stay at home with my family rather then being gone all the time. I've lived in the same house for almost a year now, that's an accomplishment. It'll be a year on my sister's birthday  :)  For the most part, I don't have to worry about how we're gonna get food or how the bills will be paid. I am trying to get somewhere with my poetry and photography, which will be good if it actually works.
   I think part of my problem in trying to find a sufficient answer is the wording of the question itself. "Great" is not a word I use in everyday communication. It's simply not part of my vocabulary on a regular basis. Things are "okay" or "good" even, but I don't remember the last time I referred to something in my own life as "great". I simply don't. So, for now at least, this will have to suffice that what's great about my life are the people (and animals) in it...

Christmas Wishes

   This year for Christmas what I realy hope for most is that all the crap people I know are going through will simmer down, ease off, and lose the attention it's currently stealing from their minds. This includes my sister's struggles with a school system that doesn't seem to care, my mom's struggles with a boyfriend of which I could say the same, and my BF's struggles with an ex that makes life more difficult than it ought to be. Right now, there's plenty of illnesses going around, and the stresses are overflowing our cups of sanity. So what else are we to do but to attempt to lighten these pressures whenever possible? I'm not one to lecture on looking at the positive things in life, or on trying to handle things as quickly and quietly as possible without making a scene. Neither are things that come natural or easily to me.
   But for some reason, at this very moment, I feel somewhat decent at this place in life. Watching my son tear up a paper bag, and my daughter play with legos, and my new water dragon looking about in awe at his new cage. Somehow, there is peace to be found there, and comfort as well. For even in the most stressful of circumstances, I can always find a smile waiting in KiKi's puzzles or CD's, and a laugh waiting in ZoKo's games and jokes that make no sense in reality. Even on the worst days, when I truly want to give up, I can still find that glimmer of love and affection from my friends, my kids, and my family. And some days, or rather most days, that little glimmer is enough to keep going. I'm not sure how, but it is.
   I spent an hour last night with a good friend, mostly just talking about random things which have nothing to do with life in the long run. And that made some of the things I've been going through lately somehow feel better.
   My friend helped me get a new water dragon for Christmas, that means more to me than I can sanely explain. So I'm not even going to try. His name is Romy, short for Romania. The last one was named after Yugoslavia, so it was fitting to go with Romania this time.
   I'm fixing lunch right now, butternut squash soup from a box. I'm being lazy, but I don't really care much at the moment about that. I'm going to try to start doing daily writing on here from a Cheryl Richardson journal, titled Turning Inward. It gives you ideas to write about and you go from there. I don't know how that will go, and some of it may get too personal for broad-stream publication. Then again, knowing very few people actually take the time to read this, privacy may not be a factor at all. I'll post the first one shortly, till then have fun and Merry Christmas (or Hannukah or Kwanzaa or Festivus or whatever winter holiday/festival you choose to celebrate)...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Last Weekend...

   Last weekend was very very long. I went to St. Louis on Saturday to help a friend move down this way. That was a long trip and I started getting blah by the end of it, but overall it was good. My BF went with me, and we had some interestingly frank discussions on the way up there about things that bug us that we never talk about. Nothing new was really said, but it was still somehow good to get it out in the open air again, at least for me. If you wanna know how he feels about it, you'll have to coerce him into telling you. If that's the case, then please share any acquired results with me.
   My mom watched the kids for us on Saturday, and Saturday evening came very late and B was sick when we got home. My water dragon started getting sick and refused to eat anything. My BF was having difficulty breathing, and KiKi was fussy all night. So Saturday was long.
   On Sunday morning, we lost electricity. It goes out sometimes for no apparent reason. The water dragon was getting worse, and my BF was as well. So we went to town and dropped the kids and water dragon off with my mom, after dropping my BF off at the ER for his breathing difficulties. My mom called the pet shops and found medicine for my water dragon and her BF picked it up while I was at the ER with my BF. Went back to mom's place and managed to pry open the water dragon's mouth and force feed him meds through a syringe. Then back to the hospital to stay with my BF while they ran tests. Xrays, CT scan, blood tests, and whatever else. Their best guess- anxiety attacks. Follow up is to be scheduled with a different dr in a week.
   Got everybody home on Sunday evening. Monday morning, I checked on the lizard and he didn't make it through the night. I spent most of the morning crying, but there's not much else you can do. So, RIP Yugo...
   PS, on Friday I got the news that today is KiKi's last day of school. There were budget cuts at the church, and his classroom lost out. The other kids were old enough to be moved to other classes, but there's nothing they could do with him. It'll be okay, I just haven't decided what else to do with him yet. This is not something that I take lightly...
   ZoKo is currently doing schoolwork, today is her last day of regular work before Christmas break. Tomorrow she is doing schoolwork, but it's mostly relating to Christmas, so not exactly the everyday norm for her. She finished her science book for Abeka 3, starting a Houghton Mifflin 3 book in January. Figure that will help fill in gaps. Plus she loves science, and the new book is mostly reading wiith few worksheets to fill out. That will be very welcome according to her.
   As for today, I'm making homemade lattes and steamers at my mom's place right now, staying warm and cheap. I'm out of spending money and still need to get my BF his Christmas present. I'm hoping the Library gift shop is open on Christmas Eve, when he gets paid. Because that's where his gift is waiting.
   Can't think of much more to say right now. So until later, peace out and catch ya on the flip side...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Mental States

   As much as I don't want to be writing this right now, here I am. There comes a point as a parent (for most people at least), where you realize some things you pass on to your children are not so great to pass on. Traits, skills, habits that you wish they would not acquire. Some of these are from being around you, others are genetic. The genetic ones are, in my opinion, the worst. This is because they are the ones you honestly have no control over and cannot in any way alter. You can sometimes make accomodations for them, but you cannot simply erase them. It's not like quitting smoking.
   This is something I have long feared with my daughter. The heart problems I have that did not become openly apparent until I was in 4th grade became apparent in her when she was 4 years old. Maybe it's just because I knew what to look for, and recognized the early signs, I do not know. Having noticed this, I hoped that the inheritance would end there, that she would be freed from the rest of my anguish. I should have known better. My sweet, adorable, wonderful, upbeat yet overly sensitive, 6 year old has now become something else. And I can't blame her, bacuse I know what it feels like to be where she is, to go through the feelings that she is having. And I can take her to a dr or a psychologist, as my parents did, or I can try to find ways to deal with this at home. I'm trying the at home approach. I'm hoping that I can show her enough of my coping mechanisms for her to twist them and manuever until she can find something beneficial that works for her in this scenario.
   In the meantime, I'm now dealing with a child that is easily upset and hurt by things but has no words to explain it, and cannot justify her own attitudes about life. While I have a generally negative outlook on many things, she is not one of those things. And this is not her own choosing. I know that. So, she is now being encouraged to wirte more, talk about her feelings more, listen to loud music (that helps her get these feelings out of her system), and to express herself in any other medium which we can mutually find acceptable. I'm hoping that if I can catch this early enough and work with it hard enough, maybe I can ultimately change her outcome. So far, I've managed to cut her episodes down to shorter time periods, I'm hoping to stretch the intervals farther. I know these get worse with age, but I am sincerely praying that if I can make adjustments now so she can learn techniques that work, they will continue to work and keep it from progressing to the point my problems have.

Discipline & Allowances

   Lately we've been having a lot of problems in the discipline department. Nothing major at all, but lots of whining and refusing to cooperate on basic routine tasks that they are suddenly no longer able to do or don't know how to do. This being a few of the several excuses we've become accustomed to receiving lately. Having discovered to "mind your marbles" behavior modifier online, we decided that this would be worth a shot. Not wanting to spend $25 per kid on the official sets, we decided to make sets at home. Then we found that to purchase enough marbles to do this adequately would cost us $50-60, which is cheaper than $75 but not by much.
   Well, we've also talked about providing an allowance if they accomplish their chores without whining, and had never fully established how this would work since they do not have daily chores really.
   Enter the most recent brainstorm we've had. Combine them and hopefully get something that works for our kids. Money motivates them, that's about it. Food doesn't, just money. And it can be a penny or a dollar, it doesn't matter really to them either way... So there are currently three stacks of dimes on our dining room table. Each child starts with 5 dimes in the morning. This gives them an earning potential of $.50 per day or approximately $15 per month. Every time we have to correct their behavior, they must take one dime and place it back in the tub. This gives them up to five corrections per day while still being able to acquire something for the day. They cannot get into negative amounts. If they lose all five dimes, they simply get nothing for the day, we do not take money out of their coin purses. Any money left in their pile at bedtime, they get to put in their coin purses. They lose money for things like whining, refusing to obey rules, starting fights with siblings, and not completing assigned chores. They also have the ability to earn back coins (or extra coins if they don't lose any) by doing chores not assigned to them, by helping others complete their tasks (without being told), or by going out of their way to help someone else (including people outside of our household).
   The results? Well, so far we are on day two of this effort. Odie is having the hardest time with it, not for a lack of understanding of the concept, but because his behavior was already very far from the ideal. B is always a fast learner. While she lost one dime in the morning, she folded towels immediately after school to earn that dime back and thus earned all five dimes yesterday. ZoKo is still having a few issues, but so far she is letting her bad moods affect her behavior for shorter periods of times, thus allowing her to keep more coins.
   What does it teach them? For one, that there are direct consequences to their behavior (both good and bad), and that this can be demonstrated in more than one manner. Secondly, we are working on teaching them basic math skills. Odies has to count his dimes each night. B has to count the amount of money she is receiving each night and attempts to count how much she has total in her coin purse now. And ZoKo counts how much she has in her coin purse each night, picks a price for a toy she might want, and subtracts to figure out how much more money (and how many days at $.50 per day) it would take her to purchase said toy.
    As for the money... The kids are now in charge of buying any special "just because" snacks (out of the normal routine), and purchasing their own toys, extra clothes that just simply "look cool", and anything else they don't really need and have way too much of anyway  :P
   Hopefully this new plan works, at least until we come up with something better. In the meantime, I'll try to keep you informed periodically on progress. Peace out  :)

Absent Parents

   As the holidays are coming up fast, I've been wondering a lot about whether to send anything out to my kids' father or not. I haven't heard from him much lately, which is not a surprise in the least. I've been getting lots of questions lately from teachers and friends about the situation and I'm sick of having the same answers over and over. ZoKo has stopped asking to talk to him because, as she puts it, "He should call me if he loves me". Now, if you've ever had a 6 year old say this sort of thing to you, I feel sorry for you. Because there is nothing you can do to make someone change how they feel, act, or who they are. And two months ago her question was, "Does he still love me?". I tell her yes, that it's just harder for him to show it, or that he's just busy enough he doesn't think about it, or some other thing I can easily come up with when these questions come out of nowhere. Honestly, what else can you say?
   My family was never big on the holidays, and definately never big on the family concept in general (we were the black sheeps on both sides of the line), and so I really don't know where my strong ideals towards family values come from. And I don't mean family values in the sense of what's appropriate to watch on tv or some other mundane entity. I mean value of family, the family concept as an ideal. This has bugged me since I was a child, because I've always felt that somehow people should be able to look past the crap in life when it comes to family. Not that it's always great, or that you aren't wishing you were not related to certain people, and not going way out of your way for someone that ultimately loathes you (whether related or not), but that you should be able to do the basics involved to keep the relationship maintained at at least a suitable level for normal random discussions about life, simply because they are family. Even the once a month call to see how the kids are doing, or checking in after you know someone has been sick. These seem like no-brainers to me when you're dealing with family. Why people can not do this without yelling or acting like there's a perverbial gun to their head, is beyond me. I will never understand it.
   Likewise, I will never understand how you can let go of a relationship with your own child before it even really starts. Anytime that a girl this hopeful starts to let those hopes fade, something is drastically wrong. And the worst thing is, this isn't the first time. She's stopped asking questions for now, and in one way I'm relieved because I no longer have to answer them. In another way, I feel very sad because I know that eventually she may decide to stop asking those questions and that those hopes and dreams that danced in her head my be forever gone. And some day, "tomorrow" or "next week" may be too late. By then she may no longer care, or have just moved on past that. And then how do you explain that she no longer needs one of the two people every child is supposed to need in life?

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's Monday... again...

   It's 847am, Monday morning, and already been a long day. Had a great weekend, went to St. Louis on Saturday. Left home at 345am and didn't get home till 2am Sunday morning  :)  Spent the day with my kids, hanging out with an old friend that I hadn't seen since 4th grade. Went to the State History Museum, and shopping at the mall. Zoko loved the museum, especially since she'd been asking me for the last week to take her to a history museum. She'd never been to one before. As for me, it was awesome being able to catch up and see my friend again. Hoping to be able to hang out there again before too long. Although, considering the current weather and that it will only get worse as the season progresses, it'll probably be a while.
   It started snowing in St. Louis shortly before I left there, and driving home at night in the wind and snow was entertaining at the least. Most of the semi truck drivers pulled off the roads into gas stations and exit ramps to wait out the wind, so the roads were almost empty. KiKi slept a little less than an hour or so on the way home, which he needed to because he only slept about half an hour on the way up, and just took a few 10-15 minutes naps while there. He slept most of yesterday to recover as well. Getting home was okay, except for how tired I was. But we made it here safely  :)
   Odie and B spent Saturday with their mom, and my BF stayed home to try to fix the heater on the truck I drive. Which didn't really work, so tomorrow may really suck if he can't find the last part he needs today. There was a nice white layer of snow on the grass yesterday morning, not much snow but just enough to cover the green. I like it that way.
   My BF was upset about me making the trip, which I knew he would be, mostly because he felt left out, or something like that. I don't really know what to do about that because when I want him to be involed in something it's always an uphill battle and yet if I don't make the offer then he gets upset that I purposefully left him out. Why do people fight so hard when you try to get them to do something with you, but also get upset if you do it with someone else?
   ZoKo decided to do her school work in a different order today. So, so far, it's been classic literature followed by art, and she just started her independent reading. Her current independent reading book is The Golden Compass. She's on chapter 4 today  :) ...I'm having to help her with about 3 words per chapter so far, I don't think that's too bad for a 6 year old...
   Supposed to be gathering the kids this evening for a Christmas picture to mail out as photo cards this year, but that's been on the schedule almost a week now and keeps getting put off, so who knows... We didn't even get a card mailed out at all last year, so if nothing else I'll just relabel as New Year's cards if need be.
   Working on getting my poetry books done, but it's slow going between kids and housework and the cut on my thumb that's still breaking open and not sealing properly. I redyed my hair on Friday, so it's a bold, bright blue again. I like it. Putting off the Suicide Girls thing for a bit, not exactly feeling great right now and I don't think the Sesame Street bandage on my thumb looks that good in pictures. As for the rest of life, it's just life. I'm sure I'm forgetting plenty of things to write down, but the great thing about this is I can always post again whenever they come to mind. I'm thinking about taking a break from the typed poems and attempting to find enough quietness to work on my audio anthology collection, but with three kids in the house and a mildly sore throat, that probably won't actually pan out to be worth the effort at the present state of being. Well, it's been fun, catch ya later  :)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Life in the ouch lane...

   Okay, today is Thursday, last day of preschool for the week. Heater died in the truck yesterday, and it's cold out. Gonna be another fun drive into town this morning. ZoKo is skipping three topics today on account of good behavior (science, history, penmanship), and we're gonna chill at the coffee shop for a few hours of girl time.
   My thumb is killing me this morning. Yes, I know I sound like a whimp. The doctor yesterday refused to even look at it. When I went to bed last night, it was still starting to bleed again if I removed pressure for more than about five seconds. And I was dumb enough to attempt to use it anyway while wrapping presents for my sister's family. Long story short, I wake up this morning to find out that I busted it open again, it is very very painful, and hurts like heck with any pressure whatsoever. Although at this point, it hurts really badly either way...
   Oh, and I have several friends who are selfish enough to think that somehow my life should revolve around them and that if I don't text them back right away in the middle of the night then they have every right to be pissed at me the next morning. Sorry I finally managed to get a little bit of sleep. And by the way, texting left handed doesn't go so smoothly for me, and no you're not the only person I ever think about, so stop acting like it. That last part would be directed at about three different people right now. Oh, and I'm absolutely friggin' peachy right now, thanks for asking...
   Yes, I know there's more than a little hostility there, but it is very annoying when everyone seems to have this notion that your world should somehow revolve around theirs and whatever they are going through should always take precedent in any given situation. Especially when they are so convinced that their lives are so perfect to begin with. Obviously, if your life is that perfect already, you don't need me around. So quite frankly, good riddance. I'm out.
   As for anyone that does feel like sticking around, enjoy the show. Free performances whenever I feel like it, and you never know what my next rant will be about. Just keep in mind that I do post something positive occassionally, so no refunds in the event that you are grossly disappointed by my rare lack of anything to have a meaningless complaint to render as stated... So until the next show, peace out, have a great day, and if you decide to bail, don't injure yourself too badly falling off that horse...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

School & More School

   So, today was KiKi's second day of school. He didn't want to go this morning and was happy to be picked up this afternoon. He passed out within two blocks of the church, which means they really wore him out. Although, upon arriving home, he decided to play with puzzles to unwind rather than going into his crib for a nap. So that's a very positive sign  :)  ...I knew this transition would be difficult for him, and I'm hoping that he adjusts to the school concept within a few weeks. I'll let you know how that goes...
   ZoKo enjoyed her time studying at the library, for the most part. We've made a new deal that if all her work is done promptly on Monday-Wednesday, then Thursday will be her day off at the library. This means skipping three subjects of her choice for the day, and getting to browse books, drink coffee, chat with me, and look in the gift shop one day a week. She likes this idea, as do I. So hopefully it works to minimize complaints (at least for a while)... Meanwhile, there's something wonderful about having your six year old in the backseat say she "really, really wants to read Snow-Bound (by John Greenleaf Whittier)", and being able to look it up on your Kindle and hand it to her right away for free. Did I mention how much I love my daughter? ...and my Kindle  :P

   PS... Apparently our society considers it wrong to trust a six year old to go into and use a bathroom alone while you're standing about ten feet from the only door, and timing her for five minutes before you go in to check on her... Okay, I get that bad stuff can happen, but I also get that there comes a point where eventually you have to let your kid have a little bit of independence. Besides, she knows how to scream if anyone tries to even touch her...

...and so starts another week...

   I'm sitting in the Mudhouse at TLC right now. First time I've been here in years. It's the closest library to the school though, and seems like a nice warm place to thaw out, and Zoko can do her school work here as well. She's happy because I told her to pick three subjects to do while the boys are in school, and after she's done she gets free time until we pick them up. So she's got three hours to accomplish her math, history, and independent reading. She decided to start with a hot latte and her independent reading  :) 
   KiKi started his second day of school today, and he was not happy about it! He was great and happy and cheerful all morning (except for his bathtime), and ate breakfast really fast. But as soon as I started heating up the truck, he went into hiding. After digging him out from under the crib twice, and having to put his shoes back on him again, I finally got him out to the truck. He fought me really badly on getting buckled up, which he's only fought me one once or twice ever... He screamed when he saw the church building, and was not happy about going inside. He was fussing and clawing and whimpering the whole time I was talking to his teacher before drop off. Then she took him anyway, and he finally found a few paper frogs on the bulletin board to focus on and decided to just ignore the rest of the world. That's when I left. So hopefully he's alright. They'll call me if anything goes wrong. I know this is gonna be a hard transition and it's worth it in the end, but it's still heart breaking to go through it...
   Meanwhile, my poem compilation is going slowly but it's going. Still trying for the Christmas deadline, but might have to push it back to New Year's  :(  ...Was planning on doing a final shoot for the Suicide Girls application last night, but felt so totally unmotivated about life in general, that it didn't happen. Oh well, it will all work out eventually.
   You ever have one of those days where everything moves at a snail's pace except the things you want to actually focus on, which never seem to slow down enough for you to catch a real glimpse of them, much less comprehend the thoughts that motivated you towards these desires in the first place? It's been an ultra long series of those days for a while now. I can honestly say I'm not depressed right now, which is a great relief. And if I knew why or what was making the difference at this moment, I'd bottle it up for the future. But unfortunately I don't. I guess it's just not one of those days where the moon can't come out fast enough and the sun seems to be trying to defeat my every move. Makes for a nice change. Assuming, of course, that the moon is your friend and the sun always stay past his welcome. I prefer her soft light over his overwhelming strength. It weakens my heart and burns at my mind.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

About to start another week...

  Today is Sunday, and it's 314pm. Zoko lost her second tooth about half an hour ago, and is very proud of herself for it. She'll be sure to remind me to let her get a new toy for the Dollar Spot next time we hit Target  :)  B keeps telling her that it's  nothing to be proud of since she's lost her bottom teeth so far and that she shouldn't care at all unless it's a top tooth, because those are better to loose. I keep trying to tell her that you have to loose all your teeth anyway, and it doesn't matter what order you do this in. I'm not sure it's getting through much at all though.
   KiKi has been putting together his floor puzzle all morning, probably about 15-20 times so far today. He's getting it all the way assembled, grinning really big and walking off to do something else. Then coming back in a while, tearing it all the way apart, and reassembling it just to be able to grin at it again.  :)   He also has been playing in his Build-A-Bear box today, a lot...
   The three older kids have been playing Legos and Barbies all morning, although they are slightly upset that my BF and I took a bunch of their Legos when we were watching tv last night and built two big houses that they're not allowed to take apart for a few days...
   I haven't been sleeping hardly at all lately, nothing new there. Got in about 3 hours last night, because I slept in this morning on accident. Otherwise, it's been 0-2.5 hours a night a lot lately. I met up with a friend for coffee Friday night while hanging out with mom, and am hoping to make a trip to St. Louis next week to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in one heck of a long time...
   We got Squirroalat a friend for Christmas, it's his cousin named Mooalat. There's been a lot of talk around our house about Mooalat coming to join us soon, and a lot of theories on what Mooalat looks like. As far as that goes, you'll have to wait just like everyone else. Mooalat likes the suspense. Makes him feel wanted already  :P
   As for my personal life, I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why I am where I am, where this all is going, and how long this path will continue to be what it is. I do not know the answers to any of these things. For I fear I've already spent too much of my life waiting. Waiting for things to change, or for people to care, waiting for dreams to come true, or for other people to move on, waiting for the past to catch up with reality, and for the chaos of our future to become a distant memory. These things affect me more than I can demonstrate, and I don't know if I'll ever make sense of this journey I'm on, much less explaining it to someone else.
   Enough of my ramblings for now, I hope everyone else is doing well. Until I see you again, peace out  :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010


   It's 2am and I can't sleep. After much deliberation, I've decided to change Zoko's school work method. Why? Because the current plan just isn't working for me. The idea is I'm supposed to type up everything for her, the worksheets and assignments. The problem? I have no motivation and totally lack the stamina to complete said tasks. So, effective immediately, her work is back to being hand written. Yes, I am well aware that this will take up more paper and may need slightly more time on my part, but some how it equates to less work. Or at least less work that I argue with myself over getting motivated to accomplish within a desireable amount of time.
   And now comes the problem. I'm back to one of those moments where I question everything that I'm doing with these kids and wondering if I've made the right choices. Not in the core fundamentals of their lives, but rather in me being the one to partake in this journey with them. While I have never doubted their ability to be something great and wonderful, and the sheer force they may someday bring into this world, I constantly challenge my own authority on being the one to lead them on this journey.
   I know I'm not the best parent out there, and I know they deserve better than I am. And I do not know how to give this to them. I so far have drained every capacity of my being in order to strive for something more, so they can be more than I ever was, and will ever amount to. And I do not know if it is enough. How do you ever know if you've done right in this life? We never know what time we have, or who we'll end up being, but how do you decide if your place here is truly what other people deserve for it to be? Could they be better suited to be with someone more understanding, more knowledgeable about the decisions made for the future? I don't know.
   The hours I have spent pondering this, the nights I've lay awake crying over the past that cannot be undone, and it gets me nowhere in the end. This will probably make no sense to anyone reading it, and maybe it's not supposed to. Suffice it to say that my head is a messed up place that even I don't want to venture into most days. Why the friends I have choose to stay around in this chaos known as my life, I will never know. I don't know what it looks like from the outside, how people make sense of the circles my life spins through. And the more I try to grip onto your reality, the more mine gets confused. I want to be something else, and I don't have a clue on where to begin. And yet this is still me. The dreams are still there, pushed deep below the surface, waiting for me to beckon them back into daylight. And it scares me. Because I know the power of these dreams. And I know that someday I won't be able to fight this anymore. I only hope that by the time that day comes, this world is too faded to even try to understand it.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


   Today was supposed to be KiKi's first day of preschool. That, however, did not happen. He's been sick so I was debating on whether to send him today or not, when his advocate for the school texted to tell me she was sick and not going to be there today anyway. So, hopefully she gets better soon, and hopefully so does KiKi. We had to go to town anyway to take Odie to school, and also took my mom to an appointment downtown. I ended up at a coffee house with KiKi and Zoko, and had a few cups of coffee while waiting on my mom. I wrote two new poems, listened to my daughter write and read a few of her own, and watched my son play with the wooden slats across the side of  the counter for about an hour. All in all, it was a decent morning.
   After picking up Odie from school, we went out to lunch with my mom and her boyfriend, and had pretty much nothing to talk about. Which is very normal for us.
   KiKi ate half a lunch today, which was the first food he's been interested in eating in two days now. He then boycotted dinner.  :(  He's still acting like he's feeling a lot better than he was though, and should be up to school tomorrow if his advocate is feeling up to it as well.
   Zoko had another short day of school today: science, math, history, penmanship, and independent reading was it for her core curriculum. She also wrote, drew, and read extra of her own initiative.
   Odie brought home lots of school work he was proud of, and spent most of the evening playing Legos with the girls.
   B was slightly distraught about having to do her independent reading for today as well as making up yesterday's that she neglected to do. She made it through with very little protest on her part, which is a major accomplishment, especially considering how recently she was at her mother's house.
   This evening was spent watching my BF play xbox, while I was trying to get reacquainted with an old friend from elementary school. It's now 1130pm, and I'm still not tired. Have to be up 6 tomorrow, and been up since around 500/530 this morning. I'm starting to feel a bit better though, my stomach and head aren't bugging me hardly at all anymore. As for the depression and overall blah-ness, I don't know. I think it's starting to fade off for this cycle. I'm pretty sure anyway. I still don't have the stamina I need to catch up on all the housework that's been let go (dishes mainly), or to get back into some of my own personal projects, but I'm working on trying to motivate myself. Maybe tomorrow will be better  :)
   As for the rest of the world, it keeps going regardless as to how I'm feeling or what I'm doing, so I'm not sure there's even much of a point of writing all this out. Maybe it'll help out anyone that wanted to stalk me all day but found it too cold out or was just simply too far away to find a justifiable cause to follow me around meaninglessly... Either way, hoped you got your money's worth, if not, all time is non-refundable, as are all choices you make in life, so consider carefully before deciding whether or not to read my next rambling about the obscenities of the day-to-day life of my being. Until then, farewell, take care, and try not to get eaten by wolves...

Monday, November 29, 2010

Monday Morning

   It's Monday morning, thus starts another week. I am so not ready for this week to start, but here it is... My BF's kids spent the weekend with their mother. And they've already been whining and ignoring me non stop since they got back. As in standing completely silent for ten minutes just to avoid saying anything to me. Odie has been wetting his bed a lot the last few weeks, which wouldn't really be bad except that he keeps lying about it and trying to hide it. As in hiding the clothes so that we don't find out. He's never once gotten in trouble for doing it here, just for not telling us or lying when we ask him about it... B got mad at me this morning for making her put on a jacket over her very short-sleeved shirt. It was 46 degrees and very windy when she had to go wait for the bus.
   KiKi has a routine sinus infection and is refusing to eat food, so he's on a rice milk and sudafed diet for a day or two until he feels better. He also has a major eczema breakout right now, but it's working on getting better (or at least not getting worse). He starts his first day of school tomorrow. Oh, and he's decided duplos are acceptable over destroying the older kids' lego creations, and that watching my BF play video games is a great past time. Okay, so there's a spinning wheel thing on the screen every time a new section has to load. The point is, he loves it.  :P
   Zoko is back to school today after having had Thursday and Friday off, and I forgot to make her do her weekend reading since I've been sick. So today will probably be a royal pain, with very little cooperation, but then again, most Mondays are like that around here anyway. She's got a minimum schedule today since I didn't prep her work, so it's gonna be science, math, a tv program about Thanksgiving for history, penmanship, independent reading, and maybe some art. That's it for today...
   As for the rest of my life, I'm working on compiling the poems still, and trying to write some new work as well. I'm organizing school stuff as always, and trying to set up a portfolio for the Suicide Girls website still. Hoping to have a basic application in to them by the end of this week. Really wishing we could win the lottery, not to be filthy rich, but so that my BF wouldn't have to go to work and we could still have money to pay the basic bills and everything. We're both so overwhelmed and stressed from life that even with this past four day weekend, neither of us managed to accomplish much of anything just from trying to unwind from the sheer overload. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep up with the rapid speed at which the world is travelling while managing to stay at the mundane pace of this life. It's truly exhausting...

Sunday, November 28, 2010


   Why does everyone have this idea that we somehow have a ton of extra money to give out? If you owe us over $3,000, don't try to borrow money from us. Just because we have some nice stuff does not mean that we didn't work hard and save up for a long time to acquire whatever we have. We've let go of things that we never imagined we would just to stay where we are, and it's been a hard road. No, we're not dirt poor. The bills are paid, rent is up to date, and there's always food on the table. The kids have plenty of clothes and toys and we rarely have to beg for gas money. That does not mean that we are by any means rich or that we consider ourselves to be better or worse than anyone else out there.
   Everybody has what they have because they worked for it. Even the wealthy people that seemingly are handed everything still have to work to maintain their status in whatever portion of society they deem necessary to continue to live the way they are accustomed to. It's a fact of life. Money may be necessary to pay bills and buy food, but it has nothing to do with the Earth still rotating or the Moon coming out tonight. So stop acting like it does. Most of a person's level of happiness has nothing to do with what they have anyway, despite what they convince themselves. Possessions are just that, they are things you possess. They have nothing to do with the real you, or the soul inside your body. While they may contribute to making you feel more like yourself, and help you express yourself better to the outside world, they are not a part of you.
   Take away these things, the money, the clothes, the cars, the houses, the furniture and the paintings. Sculptures, music, toys, computers, cell phones. Anything you feel you are somehow incomplete without. And guess what? You are still there. Standing naked in the middle of the forest with no one around and absolutely nothing to call your own besides your body, your soul, and this earth. Now how can you honestly tell me that that isn't enough?
   So stop being fake, stop thinking you have to have certain things or be a certain way. There is only one person in this world you should ever answer to, and that person is your self. So if you can look at your self butt naked in the mirror and still find a reason to keep living, that is obviously all you need in this world. As for beyond this world and any other things you may have done in your past, leave that to whichever god or gods you believe in, and they will sort everything out. Your heart, your soul, your mind, your body - these are the only things that truly matter in the end.

On Saturday...

   Sitting here on my living room floor right now. Just finished eating a late Thanksgiving meal with my mom and her boyfriend. Lasagna, tamales, tofurkey, and veggies. Well, I just had the lasagna and tamales, but anyway...
   KiKi's in his crib asleep and the B and Odie are with their mom this weekend. Been shopping sales on Amazon non-stop the last few days, and hit Black Friday midnight at Walmart. Working on trying to write more, took new pictures, and have been organizing my poems for The Hidden Soul volumes. So far, they are still set for a before Christmas release, although I've been sick lately so who knows...
   Life is... Well, it's life... It's got its ups and downs, and that's about all there is to it. I started this entry with a specific goal in mind, and yet now I can't think of what it was...
   I'm working on compiling a photo shoot to submit for an application to become a Suicide Girl Hopeful. If you'd be interested in reviewing pics and giving me your honest opinion, drop me a line. Otherwise, I'll let everyone know how that goes whenever I get around to it...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


   Have I ever mentioned how much I hate parties? As in sincerely, without a doubt, beyond loathing, absolutely repulsed by them, hate parties... Well, I don't know what possessed me to have the idea to have a party for KiKi, or why I've been hoping it goes better than I'm used to expecting parties to go. But I did promise myself I would go through with it, and so I will...
   I have people due in four hours and a house to clean, a cake to make, and a party to plan. This is the first time I've ever dealt with kids other than my own at a party I've done, so I have utterly no idea what I'm doing. I've been excessively antisocial for a while now, and can barely handle being around one or two people at a time. Okay so there should only be about 9 people here aside from my household, but that's still a lot more than I want to deal with at the moment. I'm not in the mood to clean, cook, or entertain.
   I had to tell all this to someone, and you seem as good an audience as any. My BF will be home around 4 to help and the party is set to start at 5. Mom just informed me to expect her arrival around 3. While she's offered to help, I know all I'll hear is exactly how filthy my house is and what poor trash I am. So kinda not in the mood. I don't need the extra ridicule today, I want things to actually go well. Or at least well enough that I don't lose any friends over it, and can have a decent pic or two to post for sentimental value...
   So I'm off here to cook, clean, take care of kids, and prep for something I have no idea how to accomplish. I'll let you know how it goes in the end. Peace out.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

On A More Uplifting Note...

   Tomorrow is KiKi's third birthday party  :)  I'm currently cleaning the house, doing laundry and dishes to try to get caught up on work I didn't do over the weekend because I was sick. He still has his balloons for now, and I'm going to try to get him more for tomorrow. B is in school today and tomorrow, will get out early on Wednesday as a precursor to Thanksgiving. Zoko is doing school work today, tomorrow, and Wednesday. Odie has school tomorrow only, then he's off for the rest of the week. KiKi still starts school the 30th and is off therapy in the mean time. I have a few different lapbooks for Thanksgiving and am currently debating on which ones the girls will be completing this year on Thursday...
   Plans for Minnesota trip are cancelled due to weather  :(   My mom is talking about trying to get together with me and my kids for Thanksgiving. We will be taking Odie and B to their mom on Friday, so I'm hoping to put off my mom coming over until Saturday. This is mostly because my BF and I have both been excessively anti-social and reclusive lately and I'm thinking a break between the party and Thanksgiving sounds good. That and the fact that neither of us has a particularly good history with the Thanksgiving holiday concept in general. Not sure which of our families is more dysfunctional most days.
   Hoping to get pics up here soon, but have promised them on FaceBook first. That and I have yet to decide how many pictures I want posted on here, or the nature of those postings.

Borderline Chaos

   From what I understand, most people find it relatively easy to find ways to enjoy life, things to make them happy. They have to struggle to come up with something they would consider to truly, unquestionably be worth dying for... For borderlines, it's different. Every single day, every moment of every day, I struggle. Not to find something worth dying for but to find something worth living for. And it's not as simple as seeing the kids grow up or traveling to Australia some day. It's the harder things to come up with, like managaing to convince yourself that you are so needed by people that they could not make do without you. And I know that sounds selfish, and in my head it's almost impossible to accomplish. I simply have to think that any alternative for the kids could ultimately turn out worse than the life I provide them. While, I honestly doubt that I am capable of believing this, I only have to convince myself of its truth long enough to pull through one more minute of chaos and the void...
   Giving up isn't hard, death isn't hard. Dying or wanting to die, these are all so easy. And they're constantly with me. It's the fight that's hard, the struggle to not give in and not to disappoint my kids. That I know that they count on me to do better than I am, and I feel like somehow they've earned that and I should be better than this for them...
   Having a reason to die, something worth that, comes every day, every minute. There's always a million thoughts circling in my head that are seemingly worthy of moving on in this endless journey. And trying to talk someone out of it only makes the desires stronger. It's not the "selfish" ending, its selfless in my head. I know without a doubt how much better off this world would be if I left it...
   And no, I'm not going to do anything, I can't, I can't disappoint my kids. They're the only people who have ever had absolute faith in me to finally get something right in my life. I can't let them down. This I do know, without a doubt...
   Just that those thoughts are still there, and every minutes it's still a struggle to ignore them, to push them down, to be stronger than I think I am... And I probably shouldn't be putting this out here, because I'm sure someone will read it and get concerned or worried or whatever. And it's not meant that way. If anything, it's an explanation of things I'm thinking, how I think, and hopefully might make sense to someone reading this who feels the same way but cannot put it into words. And maybe that one person will realize that there is someone or something in their life that they can't handle disappointing to the point that they'll decide to keep going for one more day. If I can get through to any person in this world that you can think this way and still keep going, that makes it worth this entire life and the chaos I fight with every day in my head...

Sunday, November 21, 2010

In My Head Right Now

   So here's the question... If I know that the world is one big place, and there are millions of people on it that are similar to me, how does it seem so often that I'm the only messed up one here? I've been depressed for several weeks, as most of my friends know. I'm finding minor glimpses of happiness, fleeting and few, to hold onto as times get worse. And hoping that the better days get better and more frequent. As of yet, I have not fallen into a big slump as I have in the past, and I'm doing everything I can to stay out of that course. I don't want to be there again. And I hate being like this. I hate the negativity and the shame I feel. I hate trying to hide how miserable I am, and I hate feeling like I have to. This world is so quick to swallow you alive for anything extreme or slightly out of place or attunement to normality. Yet, where do I fit in in this world? What place is there for me? My friends seldom know or understand the thoughts in my head. And I try often to appear as everything is okay or fine. And I know I fail. And they don't understand why I can't just snap out of it, or why I haven't found some magic happy pill to turn my world upside down to make it appeal more to theirs. In truth, I am not ashamed of how I am, that's not it at all. I am ashamed of how the rest of the world views my reality, how out of place the thoughts I have are to everyone else. And how even I don't know what to do in my own presence most days. I feel devastated by how much I am not what I want, yet I have no way to truly alter this and would not do so if I could. But at the same time, I refuse to be satisfied with my current status, the emptiness and loneliness and the feelings of nothing but pain and isolation. I don't know what to do anymore, and I guess I never really did. I'm sure my world means little in the scheme of life, and that this post will fade into the vastness of nothingness, which is where it should rightfully be. So I guess I keep going from day to day simply because I refuse to give in to the darker moments, and I refuse to let the rest of the world win in this decaying time of emptiness and personal pursuit of something. Not something better, just something. Something to make it til tomorrow, something to smile for, something to make me feel again. Welcome to my world, my dreams and nightmares, my chaos and order, my own personal borderline...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Missing Brian Today

   Lately I've been thinking a lot about my friend Brian that was killed in February. I don't know why he's been on my mind. I guess because somehow we used to always help each other out. Help each other through the bullshit you have to sort through in life to get to the better things, the things more worthwhile. And God, I miss him. Not every day, I'm not gonna lie. But enough of the time, that I feel like there's a hole in my heart where his soul used to be able to latch on to me and make sense of my world. Even if it never made sense to anyone else. It was just how he was. How we were. How life was back then. Him and I had this amazing connection where we'd lose touch for a few years then things would come up and we'd miss each other and think about each other. And we'd reel each other in, somehow. We'd meet up at a coffeee house, or a laundry mat, or a book store neither of us had ever been to before. We'd just go in and there the other one would be, like we thought them into being. And every time we needed each other we were there. We never had current phone numbers, and most of the time we didn't even know which city the other was residing in at the time, but we'd find each other, because it was meant to be...
   The last time I was looking for him and missing him and wanting to see him so badly it'd been about two or three years since our last contact, and we never did get to meet up that last time. But I could feel his energy, the fires of his soul. That was the day before he died. And I never told anyone I was looking for him, not until now. And I don't know why I feel like it matters, but it does, somehow. I'd love to be able to say I felt it, but I didn't, I didn't feel him go. I just got a call from my mom saying she saw a wreck on the news, and that was it. I wrote a poem for him, and put it at the tree that took his life. I cried for him, and I spent hours phased out trying to see if I could still feel something there. And I couldn't. But I couldn't feel nothing either, it was void but not empty. Blank but not erased. It was just something that was, and wasn't, at the same time...
   And I don't know why I had to say all this, I don't know why I've felt so shut away from the world lately, or why he's invading my dreams and I can feel him again. I don't know where this life is leading, or where my story ends, but I feel like I can feel again, I can feel something at least. There, where he once was, so many years ago. And I still love that man I knew, the man he became. The boy I watched flourish over the years, so close to my heart even when distance kept us apart. And I still feel my heart cry over him some days, and I still feel the chaos he used to mend, that he somehow could twist to turn the world right again...
   So as I close this entry, I'm posting the poem I wrote on February 20th, 2010. And I know that whereever his soul rests, he is still out there in the universe. And he knows I'm thinking of him today.

~In Memory Of Brian~
To those we love, to those we lose, to those who just move on.
May all the gods of yesteryear your days shine upon.
The smiles of your warmth, the love in your eyes,
the hearts that were mended, the faith in our minds.
I hold sacred these memories of a past that cannot be destroyed.
For somewhere in these sacred realms is your love I have enjoyed.
Blessid be for health, love, and prosperity.
In life, death, and for eternity.
May all love be yours.

The Hidden Soul In Volumes

   All ten volumes (sorted by genre) of "The Hidden Soul" are currently being compiled. The first nine will be available in PDF download format by Christmas. These will be 100% free and available to anyone who emails requesting one, whether I know you or not. So if you know anyone who may be interested, please keep this in mind. All emails should have a subject title of "The Hidden Soul". Volumes 1-10 are as follows:
   1: Activism: Poems and insights influenced by a nature-based or poilitcal activist perspective
   2: Child's Essence: Poems and insights based on the purity found within a child's innocent world
   3: Gaiman: Poems and insights influenced by literature and other works created by Neil Gaiman
   4: Rainbows & Quirks: Poems and insights influenced by the happier and positive characteristics of life
   5: Romance: Poems and insights created with a more romantic outlook on life
   6: Self-Despair: Poems and insights of a more realistic nature, generally thought to be self-despairing, but also very revealing
   7: Spiritual: Poems and insights which stipulate, question, and emphasize a world of a more spiritual nature, composed primarily of sensitive issues looked upon in an inquisitive manner
   8: Thoughtful Darkness: Poems and insights which reflect an overall darker and deeper view of reality, but do not focus on one's own negative persona
   9: Lost Love: Poems and insights which reflect the darker aspects of love and relationships, and the casual decline of both
   10: Poetic Photographs: Selected poems and insights included in previous volumes but now melded with photographs to make appealing artwork

   Audio Anthology: Selected poems and insights included in previous volumes but now recorded onto an audio cd, personally read by the author

Friday, November 19, 2010

Court Rooms

   So this morning we figured out one important thing about court rooms. If the Petitioner does not show up, the case is automatically dismissed. That is, after over an hour of waiting in case they do decide to show up. So, the three month wait to solve the case of stupidity and false allegations is finally over and we can resume our previous communication or lack thereof with the party in question. That being said, this doesn't effect anything other than clearing my boyfriend's name of any wrong-doing, which may not seem like much but it's definately better than nothing...

FAPE (Free and Appropriate Public Education)

   I just got done with the meeting with the public school system about KiKi. Turns out that FAPE (free and appropriate public education) rules dictate that they cannot offer supportive services less than the minimum they see fit for an overall educational value. What does this mean? Simply put, it means that with him attending private school, they will not offer any supportive services such as therapy. It's all or nothing. Either I enroll him with them for four days a week or they forget my son exists basically, and do nothing whatsoever for him. So, I am continuing with the three day private preschool plan, and going to be talking to his pediatrician to see if he can be approved for therapy services through MOHealthNet (medicare). I don't know if they will do this or not, but it's the only way I might be able to get him therapy. Honestly, I'm not even sure what the therapy would do if he could get it at this point. But the private school still seems better fit to meet his current needs and theoretically I can still change his course of education and send him to the public school if I decide to at a later date. Although this is only a theory, and putting it into practice may prove difficult if I do eventually, for some unknown reason, decide to take that route... Meanwhile, his last day of therapy is tomorrow, and his first day in his new school is still set for the 30th of this month.  :)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

KiKi's Latest Endeavor

   So the three older kids were at the table playing with playdoh, and I was on the couch watching my BF play his xbox. Then comes the thud from the back bedroom. KiKi pulled down the five-drawer boys' dresser. As in, all five drawers and the entire unit turned over on the floor. He's just sitting there looking at it, hands slightly red from some minor impact (faded in a few minutes), and a blank look on his face. I picked him up and put him in his crib while we reassemble the dresser as best as possible considering the impact literally ripped out multiple screws. The catch? KiKi is now in the crib just looking at us, watching. Never a sound from him, not even a whimper from going it the crib, nothing... Now the older three kids are in the bedroom picking up the books he dumped everywhere, and he's in the crib giggling while watching them. This is what scares us the most, he was not even the slightest bit phased by a large dresser coming down right next to him, and possibly having hit him slightly in the process. Looks like it's gonna be another night of checking him in a while to see if any signs of injury turn up, just in case he did hurt himself, since he won't let us know...

Thanksgiving Is...

   Thanksgiving is a holiday that means lots of different things to different people. People tend to have lots of family time and traditions surrounding this holiday, from watching football to watching the parade, carving a turkey or eating pumpkin or sweet potato pie. Sitting around the fireplace sharing memories and stories of days gone by, or watching the youngsters reconnect with others they haven't seen in almost a year...
   For me, Thanksgiving is something entirely different. Growing up, Thanksgiving was always a time of great stress on our family. There were usually lots of fights, and almost always someone would end up sick or even in the hospital if things got bad enough. We had turkey when I was younger, which switched to Cornish game hens as I grew, and we had pumpkin pie and cornbread and homemade gravy...
   Most of these traditions have not been passed, for want or need of something different. As a vegan, we usually have tofurkey and homemade pumpkin cheesecake, although this year that is in question due to the large amounts of soy...
   This year, my sister ended up in the hospital on Monday for surgery to have her gallbladder removed, and complications arose so they kept her overnight. For background, my sister and I get along well at a distance but not when we have to share a house. She currently resides in Minnesota and I haven't seen her in about 2.5 years. My mother is going through a lot of emotional distress at having postponed a planned trip up there, so I am trying to accomplish something just short of a miracle this year. I'm attempting to get us back together for the holiday. To convince my mom to make the trip to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, and to hope that this year goes better than those of my childhood. When it comes to family, I have a very strong desire to somehow always be looking forward and hope that the future continues to get better than the past we leave behind. This is true of life in general though, for if we always hold onto those things which do not help build us stronger and into a better vision of ourselves, how do we expect anything better to have room to enter our lives...
   My relationship with my mom is currently in its own form of turmoil, which is somewhat routine for us. And my relationship with my sister is pretty good this week, I think. In my family, this is all I have left of family. My brother and father having walked away from me so long ago I barely remember they even exist most days. Grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, all fade into the mists as they choose not to be a part of my journey into the future of my own life...
   While I see fantasies of large families with in-laws and cousins and three genereations gathered in one room, conversations of life in the 50's and how much you used to pay for a tank of gas or a loaf of bread, I do not know what this is like. I don't know how it feels to see so many people that are your relations in one place without some form of bloodshed, or emotional scars made anew...
   This saddens me because somehow I long for that. For the family I never had, for the past I could not smile through, and for the future my children will probably never know. Because while they may meet substitutes and people who are willing to take the place of family, they will never meet either of their real grandfathers, and will probably never be with their father for Christmas or Thanksgiving. They will never have memories of sitting on their great-grandparents' laps or the family they were borne into gathered, three genereations in one room. These are things I cannot fix. I can only hope that the family they adopt and grow into can somehow accept them as their own and eventually that this new found family can find a place in their hearts that outdoes the damage caused by the one I forced them into. They do not choose this exile from the past generations, it is not their fault, it is their curse. And yet, I know that this family that leaves them, they are the ones who will hurt from this loss in the end. My children will always know who their real family is, and will always continue to call these people their own...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Public School

Seriously... Since when do they hand a list of food to a first grader and tell them to circle whatever they will have their parents bring? Shouldn't the parents somehow get a say-so in this process? I'm now signed up to bring a pumpkin pie to class by Monday... It doesn't really bug me to bring a pie, but to have a 6 year old walk in your door and inform you that you are bringing a pie because she told everyone you would, that's a different story. I don't treat other adults (or even the kids) that way, I was taught that it's wrong to volunteer other people to do specific things without their input. Apparently, the school system somehow sees it differently. This is the same school system that does not see any reason to correct 1st graders for spelling numbers, letters, and entire words backwards. Yes, I get that they are "just kids", I also feel that if you don't at least encourage them to correct it then it will be even harder to correct it later, since it's already imprinting itself within their mind to do it the wrong way. These are the same people that trust kindergarteners with $35 photo packets that the parents didn't want and are responsible for paying for, and do not have the first clue on how to deal with a child that does not hear on top of being autistic (aka, they insist on talking to him and getting upset that he does not follow their orders)... While I agree completely that B does better in public school than she would at home, due to finding the peers such a high incentive to accomplish desired tasks, I seriously do not have very much faith in the system through which she is currently receiving that education...

KiKi's 3rd Birthday

My son, KiKi will be turning 3 on Saturday. This is his last week of therapy, since the state cuts off at 3 years old. His party will be next Tuesday evening, and he starts special needs preschool on the 30th. This is gonna be a busy two weeks, and I'm hoping he'll take to the changes well. I haven't been away from him on a regular basis at all since he left the NICU at 4 weeks old. About all I can say is that I trust the people he'll be with and I know they'll work with him the way he learns, rather than trying to force him to assimilate to behavior he doesn't understand... The last few weeks, he's been very stubborn with his therapy and hasn't been cooperating well. But he does know how to use basic PECS, it's just a question of getting him to want any given thing badly enough to do it... Eating is going very well. He now eats oatmeal from a spoon, and drinks from a sippy cup... He's given up the periodic regressions to crawling, and his public breakdowns are slightly less severe than they used to be... The progress he's made in the last year is nothing short of miraculous, so I'm really thankful to the people working with him and hoping he'll continue to flourish. Either way, it's hard to believe he's almost 3. My baby's growing up, and somehow the world's managing to adjust  :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

First Entry...

I finally decided to re-open my blog from long ago, only to find it has been lost in the eternal vastness of cyberspace, seeing as how the address that was once mine now belongs to someone else  :(  ...So here I am again, entering into the blogsphere of the ethereal kingdom of wifi and cyberware, under the name to which I attained as my own what feels like a life time ago... So what will this blog contain? Simply put, everything. Like or hate it, I don't care. This is a place for my poetry, a place for my journeys with homeschooling, step-parenting, raising my wonderfully unique son, and sorting out the eccentricities of my messed up emotional and mental states. This is my world, feel free to dive in head first, I know I have... So look for labels if you desire as I post, so far determined to be "poetry", "homeschooling", "step-parenting", "autism", "borderline", "vegan", and "life". I'm sure I'll add more, but right now that fits everything going on in my head, so it should be good enough. Expect posts whenever and read them or don't, your choice. I believe in free will, so live your own life and have fun with it, whatever you decide to do. Peace out.