Sunday, November 21, 2010

In My Head Right Now

   So here's the question... If I know that the world is one big place, and there are millions of people on it that are similar to me, how does it seem so often that I'm the only messed up one here? I've been depressed for several weeks, as most of my friends know. I'm finding minor glimpses of happiness, fleeting and few, to hold onto as times get worse. And hoping that the better days get better and more frequent. As of yet, I have not fallen into a big slump as I have in the past, and I'm doing everything I can to stay out of that course. I don't want to be there again. And I hate being like this. I hate the negativity and the shame I feel. I hate trying to hide how miserable I am, and I hate feeling like I have to. This world is so quick to swallow you alive for anything extreme or slightly out of place or attunement to normality. Yet, where do I fit in in this world? What place is there for me? My friends seldom know or understand the thoughts in my head. And I try often to appear as everything is okay or fine. And I know I fail. And they don't understand why I can't just snap out of it, or why I haven't found some magic happy pill to turn my world upside down to make it appeal more to theirs. In truth, I am not ashamed of how I am, that's not it at all. I am ashamed of how the rest of the world views my reality, how out of place the thoughts I have are to everyone else. And how even I don't know what to do in my own presence most days. I feel devastated by how much I am not what I want, yet I have no way to truly alter this and would not do so if I could. But at the same time, I refuse to be satisfied with my current status, the emptiness and loneliness and the feelings of nothing but pain and isolation. I don't know what to do anymore, and I guess I never really did. I'm sure my world means little in the scheme of life, and that this post will fade into the vastness of nothingness, which is where it should rightfully be. So I guess I keep going from day to day simply because I refuse to give in to the darker moments, and I refuse to let the rest of the world win in this decaying time of emptiness and personal pursuit of something. Not something better, just something. Something to make it til tomorrow, something to smile for, something to make me feel again. Welcome to my world, my dreams and nightmares, my chaos and order, my own personal borderline...

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