Borderline Chaos

   From what I understand, most people find it relatively easy to find ways to enjoy life, things to make them happy. They have to struggle to come up with something they would consider to truly, unquestionably be worth dying for... For borderlines, it's different. Every single day, every moment of every day, I struggle. Not to find something worth dying for but to find something worth living for. And it's not as simple as seeing the kids grow up or traveling to Australia some day. It's the harder things to come up with, like managaing to convince yourself that you are so needed by people that they could not make do without you. And I know that sounds selfish, and in my head it's almost impossible to accomplish. I simply have to think that any alternative for the kids could ultimately turn out worse than the life I provide them. While, I honestly doubt that I am capable of believing this, I only have to convince myself of its truth long enough to pull through one more minute of chaos and the void...
   Giving up isn't hard, death isn't hard. Dying or wanting to die, these are all so easy. And they're constantly with me. It's the fight that's hard, the struggle to not give in and not to disappoint my kids. That I know that they count on me to do better than I am, and I feel like somehow they've earned that and I should be better than this for them...
   Having a reason to die, something worth that, comes every day, every minute. There's always a million thoughts circling in my head that are seemingly worthy of moving on in this endless journey. And trying to talk someone out of it only makes the desires stronger. It's not the "selfish" ending, its selfless in my head. I know without a doubt how much better off this world would be if I left it...
   And no, I'm not going to do anything, I can't, I can't disappoint my kids. They're the only people who have ever had absolute faith in me to finally get something right in my life. I can't let them down. This I do know, without a doubt...
   Just that those thoughts are still there, and every minutes it's still a struggle to ignore them, to push them down, to be stronger than I think I am... And I probably shouldn't be putting this out here, because I'm sure someone will read it and get concerned or worried or whatever. And it's not meant that way. If anything, it's an explanation of things I'm thinking, how I think, and hopefully might make sense to someone reading this who feels the same way but cannot put it into words. And maybe that one person will realize that there is someone or something in their life that they can't handle disappointing to the point that they'll decide to keep going for one more day. If I can get through to any person in this world that you can think this way and still keep going, that makes it worth this entire life and the chaos I fight with every day in my head...