Saturday, November 20, 2010

Missing Brian Today

   Lately I've been thinking a lot about my friend Brian that was killed in February. I don't know why he's been on my mind. I guess because somehow we used to always help each other out. Help each other through the bullshit you have to sort through in life to get to the better things, the things more worthwhile. And God, I miss him. Not every day, I'm not gonna lie. But enough of the time, that I feel like there's a hole in my heart where his soul used to be able to latch on to me and make sense of my world. Even if it never made sense to anyone else. It was just how he was. How we were. How life was back then. Him and I had this amazing connection where we'd lose touch for a few years then things would come up and we'd miss each other and think about each other. And we'd reel each other in, somehow. We'd meet up at a coffeee house, or a laundry mat, or a book store neither of us had ever been to before. We'd just go in and there the other one would be, like we thought them into being. And every time we needed each other we were there. We never had current phone numbers, and most of the time we didn't even know which city the other was residing in at the time, but we'd find each other, because it was meant to be...
   The last time I was looking for him and missing him and wanting to see him so badly it'd been about two or three years since our last contact, and we never did get to meet up that last time. But I could feel his energy, the fires of his soul. That was the day before he died. And I never told anyone I was looking for him, not until now. And I don't know why I feel like it matters, but it does, somehow. I'd love to be able to say I felt it, but I didn't, I didn't feel him go. I just got a call from my mom saying she saw a wreck on the news, and that was it. I wrote a poem for him, and put it at the tree that took his life. I cried for him, and I spent hours phased out trying to see if I could still feel something there. And I couldn't. But I couldn't feel nothing either, it was void but not empty. Blank but not erased. It was just something that was, and wasn't, at the same time...
   And I don't know why I had to say all this, I don't know why I've felt so shut away from the world lately, or why he's invading my dreams and I can feel him again. I don't know where this life is leading, or where my story ends, but I feel like I can feel again, I can feel something at least. There, where he once was, so many years ago. And I still love that man I knew, the man he became. The boy I watched flourish over the years, so close to my heart even when distance kept us apart. And I still feel my heart cry over him some days, and I still feel the chaos he used to mend, that he somehow could twist to turn the world right again...
   So as I close this entry, I'm posting the poem I wrote on February 20th, 2010. And I know that whereever his soul rests, he is still out there in the universe. And he knows I'm thinking of him today.

~In Memory Of Brian~
To those we love, to those we lose, to those who just move on.
May all the gods of yesteryear your days shine upon.
The smiles of your warmth, the love in your eyes,
the hearts that were mended, the faith in our minds.
I hold sacred these memories of a past that cannot be destroyed.
For somewhere in these sacred realms is your love I have enjoyed.
Blessid be for health, love, and prosperity.
In life, death, and for eternity.
May all love be yours.

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