The last time I was looking for him and missing him and wanting to see him so badly it'd been about two or three years since our last contact, and we never did get to meet up that last time. But I could feel his energy, the fires of his soul. That was the day before he died. And I never told anyone I was looking for him, not until now. And I don't know why I feel like it matters, but it does, somehow. I'd love to be able to say I felt it, but I didn't, I didn't feel him go. I just got a call from my mom saying she saw a wreck on the news, and that was it. I wrote a poem for him, and put it at the tree that took his life. I cried for him, and I spent hours phased out trying to see if I could still feel something there. And I couldn't. But I couldn't feel nothing either, it was void but not empty. Blank but not erased. It was just something that was, and wasn't, at the same time...
And I don't know why I had to say all this, I don't know why I've felt so shut away from the world lately, or why he's invading my dreams and I can feel him again. I don't know where this life is leading, or where my story ends, but I feel like I can feel again, I can feel something at least. There, where he once was, so many years ago. And I still love that man I knew, the man he became. The boy I watched flourish over the years, so close to my heart even when distance kept us apart. And I still feel my heart cry over him some days, and I still feel the chaos he used to mend, that he somehow could twist to turn the world right again...
So as I close this entry, I'm posting the poem I wrote on February 20th, 2010. And I know that whereever his soul rests, he is still out there in the universe. And he knows I'm thinking of him today.
~In Memory Of Brian~
To those we love, to those we lose, to those who just move on.
May all the gods of yesteryear your days shine upon.
The smiles of your warmth, the love in your eyes,
the hearts that were mended, the faith in our minds.
I hold sacred these memories of a past that cannot be destroyed.
For somewhere in these sacred realms is your love I have enjoyed.
Blessid be for health, love, and prosperity.
In life, death, and for eternity.
May all love be yours.