Monday, December 27, 2010

Turning Inward: Excitement

QUESTION: What gets you excited? What makes you feel highly motivated and enthusiastic?

Wow, this is not a good one to have on a day when I'm not in the least bit motivated. Or maybe it is. What gets me excited or motivated or enthusiastic? I guess that depends on my mood. Seeing friends does sometimes, but only certain friends. The make-you-feel-better kind. Not the kick-you-while-you're-down ones. And yeah, I have both. Why? I don't know. I guess because when I'm totally blah, even the most negative person I know is more positive than my state of mind. Or maybe it's because in trying to make me feel crappy I realize how lucky I am to not be that pathetic. Okay, that's off topic. Let's see, um, friends coming to visit me when I feel too secluded to want to venture to see them. A friend texting me out of the blue to make me feel wanted or maybe even missed. A hug from my daughter will cure any ail. And finding something I thought I'd lost will always make me remember the past I will never miss. Hmmm, motivation is hard to find somedays. Anything that will make someone else smile is always worth doing. If I know it will cheer up someone else or make their day brighter, I'll try to do it. I rush to finish projects for others ahead of things that are just for me. Most of those things never achieve fruition. The poetry books I'm compiling are for my mom and a close friend that's put a lot of faith in me over the years when no one else has. And even those times when we're not talking, we always manage to patch things up. And somehow I feel I owe this to him, to finish that project. My mom is waiting on an audio version, and I keep telling myself that it will be good to maybe do something right for a change, if that's even possible for me to accomplish. It's worth a shot though, most days. What makes me enthusiastic? Anyone that's ever been shopping with me could answer that. I get excited and enthused about things for my kids, or my boyfriend, or my mom. Something my sister may like, or something that might make my friends smile. For myself, I get excited over Snoopy stuff or Egyptian things, things that are one-off and unique, just like me and my life. I feel a certain strength from finding those treasures that others cast aside, like somehow the power they hold is greater than the past they've lost, sort of like me. So I guess, really, I get excited over anything I can see myself in, the depth of the oblivion that I can disappear into without ever fading away. I get excited over the little things my son accomplishes, it's such a big deal that he can drink from a sippy-cup, or do a puzzle, or stack 12 baby food jars without knocking them over. I get excited over finding the little things in life that everyone else forgets and holding onto those things, giving them a shelter from the chaos of this storm. Excitement isn't hard to find, and neither is enthusiasm. I guess motivation really isn't hard either, as long as you have something strong to push you on those down days. As for what that something really is, I don't think I'll ever understand. Most days it's just a question of doing what you know you have to, simply because you know you have to do it, simply because you know no one else will...

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