Thanksgiving Is...

   Thanksgiving is a holiday that means lots of different things to different people. People tend to have lots of family time and traditions surrounding this holiday, from watching football to watching the parade, carving a turkey or eating pumpkin or sweet potato pie. Sitting around the fireplace sharing memories and stories of days gone by, or watching the youngsters reconnect with others they haven't seen in almost a year...
   For me, Thanksgiving is something entirely different. Growing up, Thanksgiving was always a time of great stress on our family. There were usually lots of fights, and almost always someone would end up sick or even in the hospital if things got bad enough. We had turkey when I was younger, which switched to Cornish game hens as I grew, and we had pumpkin pie and cornbread and homemade gravy...
   Most of these traditions have not been passed, for want or need of something different. As a vegan, we usually have tofurkey and homemade pumpkin cheesecake, although this year that is in question due to the large amounts of soy...
   This year, my sister ended up in the hospital on Monday for surgery to have her gallbladder removed, and complications arose so they kept her overnight. For background, my sister and I get along well at a distance but not when we have to share a house. She currently resides in Minnesota and I haven't seen her in about 2.5 years. My mother is going through a lot of emotional distress at having postponed a planned trip up there, so I am trying to accomplish something just short of a miracle this year. I'm attempting to get us back together for the holiday. To convince my mom to make the trip to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, and to hope that this year goes better than those of my childhood. When it comes to family, I have a very strong desire to somehow always be looking forward and hope that the future continues to get better than the past we leave behind. This is true of life in general though, for if we always hold onto those things which do not help build us stronger and into a better vision of ourselves, how do we expect anything better to have room to enter our lives...
   My relationship with my mom is currently in its own form of turmoil, which is somewhat routine for us. And my relationship with my sister is pretty good this week, I think. In my family, this is all I have left of family. My brother and father having walked away from me so long ago I barely remember they even exist most days. Grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, all fade into the mists as they choose not to be a part of my journey into the future of my own life...
   While I see fantasies of large families with in-laws and cousins and three genereations gathered in one room, conversations of life in the 50's and how much you used to pay for a tank of gas or a loaf of bread, I do not know what this is like. I don't know how it feels to see so many people that are your relations in one place without some form of bloodshed, or emotional scars made anew...
   This saddens me because somehow I long for that. For the family I never had, for the past I could not smile through, and for the future my children will probably never know. Because while they may meet substitutes and people who are willing to take the place of family, they will never meet either of their real grandfathers, and will probably never be with their father for Christmas or Thanksgiving. They will never have memories of sitting on their great-grandparents' laps or the family they were borne into gathered, three genereations in one room. These are things I cannot fix. I can only hope that the family they adopt and grow into can somehow accept them as their own and eventually that this new found family can find a place in their hearts that outdoes the damage caused by the one I forced them into. They do not choose this exile from the past generations, it is not their fault, it is their curse. And yet, I know that this family that leaves them, they are the ones who will hurt from this loss in the end. My children will always know who their real family is, and will always continue to call these people their own...