This year is almost over, and we survived another round. Christmas came and went and the end of this week will be the end of this year. As for Christmas, it was alright this year. Didn' really start until evening here because half of us were gone until then. But the half that were here had fun, opened a few gifts, and tried to move past that it was a holiday. Evening brought tiredness and endless squabbles over new toys and how kids think siblings should be forced to share without them having to do so themselves. The kids got lots of new things, mostly from relatives and friends that pitched in. As for ultimate favorites, I have no clue, they kept shifting from one thing to another so fast. Definate hits would include zebra pj's, a furreal kitty, a rock excavation kit, and a my little pony mermaid castle for ZoKo; a fairy statue, tinkerbell bubble bath, a pony plush, and a cinderella barbie for B; monster trucks, and cars & hot wheels toys for Odie; a light-up ball, a shape puzzle, and a slinky for KiKi. Oh, and they all enjoy the coloring books and new puzzles :)
The day after Christmas some relatives came with their Christmas surprises, new bikes. It was also my sister's birthday. I hope she had a good time.
My boyfriend got me a Bast bookend set and two Ansel Adams puzzles, things I've wanted for a long time. I also got a lavender-vanilla set that's supposed to help me sleep which honestly I've been too exhausted to remember to try. So maybe just the vibes from it are sinking in or something :P My mom got me a book of scenic pictures of wildlife from around the world, it's beautiful. I got my boyfriend a skunk puppet, to keep the skunk I got him for Valentine's Day company I guess. Got him a few other small things, but nothing else worth really mentioning. I bought my mom a wooden vase I got in St. Louis, and I'm hoping she likes it as much as she says it does.
For me the holidays have never been about what I receive or the money involved, it's simply making someone else smile. I found a few things after Christmas on clearance that I picked up for some people, will be New Year's presents I suppose. Or maybe Valentine's Day, or just because...
I can't explain how or why these things mean something to me. They just do. I guess in some way I already feel as though my life's a lost cause but maybe I can change things for one person, even in the smallest of ways. My boyfriend tells me I'm sweet and I argue with him. I don't feel it. I don't feel nice, or sweet, or caring. I feel obligated. Obligated to make my presence mean something to someone. Not the "remember me" large ego type of something. But the "once there was a person" type of something. The something where you make them smile and help them through a rough time and somehow their life is different because of it, but in the end, when it's all said and done, they don't remember you. They know about who you really were, and it doesn't matter. Because that effect you had on them, even just for an instant, that effect was enough to last a lifetime in their soul and they needn't know who you are in order to feel that. I want my life to disappear into anonymity, yet my presence and my soul to have somehow meant something.
I guess that probably doesn't make much sense, if any at all. But I don't think it needs to, not to you anyway. And here is the part where I fade and the light go out and the sun goes down, and your city becomes dark once more. And you wonder who wanders through these same streets as you. And echoing silently is the answer, that we all do...
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