Tuesday...

   Today was supposed to be KiKi's first day of preschool. That, however, did not happen. He's been sick so I was debating on whether to send him today or not, when his advocate for the school texted to tell me she was sick and not going to be there today anyway. So, hopefully she gets better soon, and hopefully so does KiKi. We had to go to town anyway to take Odie to school, and also took my mom to an appointment downtown. I ended up at a coffee house with KiKi and Zoko, and had a few cups of coffee while waiting on my mom. I wrote two new poems, listened to my daughter write and read a few of her own, and watched my son play with the wooden slats across the side of  the counter for about an hour. All in all, it was a decent morning.
   After picking up Odie from school, we went out to lunch with my mom and her boyfriend, and had pretty much nothing to talk about. Which is very normal for us.
   KiKi ate half a lunch today, which was the first food he's been interested in eating in two days now. He then boycotted dinner.  :(  He's still acting like he's feeling a lot better than he was though, and should be up to school tomorrow if his advocate is feeling up to it as well.
   Zoko had another short day of school today: science, math, history, penmanship, and independent reading was it for her core curriculum. She also wrote, drew, and read extra of her own initiative.
   Odie brought home lots of school work he was proud of, and spent most of the evening playing Legos with the girls.
   B was slightly distraught about having to do her independent reading for today as well as making up yesterday's that she neglected to do. She made it through with very little protest on her part, which is a major accomplishment, especially considering how recently she was at her mother's house.
   This evening was spent watching my BF play xbox, while I was trying to get reacquainted with an old friend from elementary school. It's now 1130pm, and I'm still not tired. Have to be up 6 tomorrow, and been up since around 500/530 this morning. I'm starting to feel a bit better though, my stomach and head aren't bugging me hardly at all anymore. As for the depression and overall blah-ness, I don't know. I think it's starting to fade off for this cycle. I'm pretty sure anyway. I still don't have the stamina I need to catch up on all the housework that's been let go (dishes mainly), or to get back into some of my own personal projects, but I'm working on trying to motivate myself. Maybe tomorrow will be better  :)
   As for the rest of the world, it keeps going regardless as to how I'm feeling or what I'm doing, so I'm not sure there's even much of a point of writing all this out. Maybe it'll help out anyone that wanted to stalk me all day but found it too cold out or was just simply too far away to find a justifiable cause to follow me around meaninglessly... Either way, hoped you got your money's worth, if not, all time is non-refundable, as are all choices you make in life, so consider carefully before deciding whether or not to read my next rambling about the obscenities of the day-to-day life of my being. Until then, farewell, take care, and try not to get eaten by wolves...

Monday Morning

   It's Monday morning, thus starts another week. I am so not ready for this week to start, but here it is... My BF's kids spent the weekend with their mother. And they've already been whining and ignoring me non stop since they got back. As in standing completely silent for ten minutes just to avoid saying anything to me. Odie has been wetting his bed a lot the last few weeks, which wouldn't really be bad except that he keeps lying about it and trying to hide it. As in hiding the clothes so that we don't find out. He's never once gotten in trouble for doing it here, just for not telling us or lying when we ask him about it... B got mad at me this morning for making her put on a jacket over her very short-sleeved shirt. It was 46 degrees and very windy when she had to go wait for the bus.
   KiKi has a routine sinus infection and is refusing to eat food, so he's on a rice milk and sudafed diet for a day or two until he feels better. He also has a major eczema breakout right now, but it's working on getting better (or at least not getting worse). He starts his first day of school tomorrow. Oh, and he's decided duplos are acceptable over destroying the older kids' lego creations, and that watching my BF play video games is a great past time. Okay, so there's a spinning wheel thing on the screen every time a new section has to load. The point is, he loves it.  :P
   Zoko is back to school today after having had Thursday and Friday off, and I forgot to make her do her weekend reading since I've been sick. So today will probably be a royal pain, with very little cooperation, but then again, most Mondays are like that around here anyway. She's got a minimum schedule today since I didn't prep her work, so it's gonna be science, math, a tv program about Thanksgiving for history, penmanship, independent reading, and maybe some art. That's it for today...
   As for the rest of my life, I'm working on compiling the poems still, and trying to write some new work as well. I'm organizing school stuff as always, and trying to set up a portfolio for the Suicide Girls website still. Hoping to have a basic application in to them by the end of this week. Really wishing we could win the lottery, not to be filthy rich, but so that my BF wouldn't have to go to work and we could still have money to pay the basic bills and everything. We're both so overwhelmed and stressed from life that even with this past four day weekend, neither of us managed to accomplish much of anything just from trying to unwind from the sheer overload. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep up with the rapid speed at which the world is travelling while managing to stay at the mundane pace of this life. It's truly exhausting...

Money

   Why does everyone have this idea that we somehow have a ton of extra money to give out? If you owe us over $3,000, don't try to borrow money from us. Just because we have some nice stuff does not mean that we didn't work hard and save up for a long time to acquire whatever we have. We've let go of things that we never imagined we would just to stay where we are, and it's been a hard road. No, we're not dirt poor. The bills are paid, rent is up to date, and there's always food on the table. The kids have plenty of clothes and toys and we rarely have to beg for gas money. That does not mean that we are by any means rich or that we consider ourselves to be better or worse than anyone else out there.
   Everybody has what they have because they worked for it. Even the wealthy people that seemingly are handed everything still have to work to maintain their status in whatever portion of society they deem necessary to continue to live the way they are accustomed to. It's a fact of life. Money may be necessary to pay bills and buy food, but it has nothing to do with the Earth still rotating or the Moon coming out tonight. So stop acting like it does. Most of a person's level of happiness has nothing to do with what they have anyway, despite what they convince themselves. Possessions are just that, they are things you possess. They have nothing to do with the real you, or the soul inside your body. While they may contribute to making you feel more like yourself, and help you express yourself better to the outside world, they are not a part of you.
   Take away these things, the money, the clothes, the cars, the houses, the furniture and the paintings. Sculptures, music, toys, computers, cell phones. Anything you feel you are somehow incomplete without. And guess what? You are still there. Standing naked in the middle of the forest with no one around and absolutely nothing to call your own besides your body, your soul, and this earth. Now how can you honestly tell me that that isn't enough?
   So stop being fake, stop thinking you have to have certain things or be a certain way. There is only one person in this world you should ever answer to, and that person is your self. So if you can look at your self butt naked in the mirror and still find a reason to keep living, that is obviously all you need in this world. As for beyond this world and any other things you may have done in your past, leave that to whichever god or gods you believe in, and they will sort everything out. Your heart, your soul, your mind, your body - these are the only things that truly matter in the end.

On Saturday...

   Sitting here on my living room floor right now. Just finished eating a late Thanksgiving meal with my mom and her boyfriend. Lasagna, tamales, tofurkey, and veggies. Well, I just had the lasagna and tamales, but anyway...
   KiKi's in his crib asleep and the B and Odie are with their mom this weekend. Been shopping sales on Amazon non-stop the last few days, and hit Black Friday midnight at Walmart. Working on trying to write more, took new pictures, and have been organizing my poems for The Hidden Soul volumes. So far, they are still set for a before Christmas release, although I've been sick lately so who knows...
   Life is... Well, it's life... It's got its ups and downs, and that's about all there is to it. I started this entry with a specific goal in mind, and yet now I can't think of what it was...
   I'm working on compiling a photo shoot to submit for an application to become a Suicide Girl Hopeful. If you'd be interested in reviewing pics and giving me your honest opinion, drop me a line. Otherwise, I'll let everyone know how that goes whenever I get around to it...

Parties...

   Have I ever mentioned how much I hate parties? As in sincerely, without a doubt, beyond loathing, absolutely repulsed by them, hate parties... Well, I don't know what possessed me to have the idea to have a party for KiKi, or why I've been hoping it goes better than I'm used to expecting parties to go. But I did promise myself I would go through with it, and so I will...
   I have people due in four hours and a house to clean, a cake to make, and a party to plan. This is the first time I've ever dealt with kids other than my own at a party I've done, so I have utterly no idea what I'm doing. I've been excessively antisocial for a while now, and can barely handle being around one or two people at a time. Okay so there should only be about 9 people here aside from my household, but that's still a lot more than I want to deal with at the moment. I'm not in the mood to clean, cook, or entertain.
   I had to tell all this to someone, and you seem as good an audience as any. My BF will be home around 4 to help and the party is set to start at 5. Mom just informed me to expect her arrival around 3. While she's offered to help, I know all I'll hear is exactly how filthy my house is and what poor trash I am. So kinda not in the mood. I don't need the extra ridicule today, I want things to actually go well. Or at least well enough that I don't lose any friends over it, and can have a decent pic or two to post for sentimental value...
   So I'm off here to cook, clean, take care of kids, and prep for something I have no idea how to accomplish. I'll let you know how it goes in the end. Peace out.

On A More Uplifting Note...

   Tomorrow is KiKi's third birthday party  :)  I'm currently cleaning the house, doing laundry and dishes to try to get caught up on work I didn't do over the weekend because I was sick. He still has his balloons for now, and I'm going to try to get him more for tomorrow. B is in school today and tomorrow, will get out early on Wednesday as a precursor to Thanksgiving. Zoko is doing school work today, tomorrow, and Wednesday. Odie has school tomorrow only, then he's off for the rest of the week. KiKi still starts school the 30th and is off therapy in the mean time. I have a few different lapbooks for Thanksgiving and am currently debating on which ones the girls will be completing this year on Thursday...
   Plans for Minnesota trip are cancelled due to weather  :(   My mom is talking about trying to get together with me and my kids for Thanksgiving. We will be taking Odie and B to their mom on Friday, so I'm hoping to put off my mom coming over until Saturday. This is mostly because my BF and I have both been excessively anti-social and reclusive lately and I'm thinking a break between the party and Thanksgiving sounds good. That and the fact that neither of us has a particularly good history with the Thanksgiving holiday concept in general. Not sure which of our families is more dysfunctional most days.
   Hoping to get pics up here soon, but have promised them on FaceBook first. That and I have yet to decide how many pictures I want posted on here, or the nature of those postings.

Borderline Chaos

   From what I understand, most people find it relatively easy to find ways to enjoy life, things to make them happy. They have to struggle to come up with something they would consider to truly, unquestionably be worth dying for... For borderlines, it's different. Every single day, every moment of every day, I struggle. Not to find something worth dying for but to find something worth living for. And it's not as simple as seeing the kids grow up or traveling to Australia some day. It's the harder things to come up with, like managaing to convince yourself that you are so needed by people that they could not make do without you. And I know that sounds selfish, and in my head it's almost impossible to accomplish. I simply have to think that any alternative for the kids could ultimately turn out worse than the life I provide them. While, I honestly doubt that I am capable of believing this, I only have to convince myself of its truth long enough to pull through one more minute of chaos and the void...
   Giving up isn't hard, death isn't hard. Dying or wanting to die, these are all so easy. And they're constantly with me. It's the fight that's hard, the struggle to not give in and not to disappoint my kids. That I know that they count on me to do better than I am, and I feel like somehow they've earned that and I should be better than this for them...
   Having a reason to die, something worth that, comes every day, every minute. There's always a million thoughts circling in my head that are seemingly worthy of moving on in this endless journey. And trying to talk someone out of it only makes the desires stronger. It's not the "selfish" ending, its selfless in my head. I know without a doubt how much better off this world would be if I left it...
   And no, I'm not going to do anything, I can't, I can't disappoint my kids. They're the only people who have ever had absolute faith in me to finally get something right in my life. I can't let them down. This I do know, without a doubt...
   Just that those thoughts are still there, and every minutes it's still a struggle to ignore them, to push them down, to be stronger than I think I am... And I probably shouldn't be putting this out here, because I'm sure someone will read it and get concerned or worried or whatever. And it's not meant that way. If anything, it's an explanation of things I'm thinking, how I think, and hopefully might make sense to someone reading this who feels the same way but cannot put it into words. And maybe that one person will realize that there is someone or something in their life that they can't handle disappointing to the point that they'll decide to keep going for one more day. If I can get through to any person in this world that you can think this way and still keep going, that makes it worth this entire life and the chaos I fight with every day in my head...

In My Head Right Now

   So here's the question... If I know that the world is one big place, and there are millions of people on it that are similar to me, how does it seem so often that I'm the only messed up one here? I've been depressed for several weeks, as most of my friends know. I'm finding minor glimpses of happiness, fleeting and few, to hold onto as times get worse. And hoping that the better days get better and more frequent. As of yet, I have not fallen into a big slump as I have in the past, and I'm doing everything I can to stay out of that course. I don't want to be there again. And I hate being like this. I hate the negativity and the shame I feel. I hate trying to hide how miserable I am, and I hate feeling like I have to. This world is so quick to swallow you alive for anything extreme or slightly out of place or attunement to normality. Yet, where do I fit in in this world? What place is there for me? My friends seldom know or understand the thoughts in my head. And I try often to appear as everything is okay or fine. And I know I fail. And they don't understand why I can't just snap out of it, or why I haven't found some magic happy pill to turn my world upside down to make it appeal more to theirs. In truth, I am not ashamed of how I am, that's not it at all. I am ashamed of how the rest of the world views my reality, how out of place the thoughts I have are to everyone else. And how even I don't know what to do in my own presence most days. I feel devastated by how much I am not what I want, yet I have no way to truly alter this and would not do so if I could. But at the same time, I refuse to be satisfied with my current status, the emptiness and loneliness and the feelings of nothing but pain and isolation. I don't know what to do anymore, and I guess I never really did. I'm sure my world means little in the scheme of life, and that this post will fade into the vastness of nothingness, which is where it should rightfully be. So I guess I keep going from day to day simply because I refuse to give in to the darker moments, and I refuse to let the rest of the world win in this decaying time of emptiness and personal pursuit of something. Not something better, just something. Something to make it til tomorrow, something to smile for, something to make me feel again. Welcome to my world, my dreams and nightmares, my chaos and order, my own personal borderline...

Missing Brian Today

   Lately I've been thinking a lot about my friend Brian that was killed in February. I don't know why he's been on my mind. I guess because somehow we used to always help each other out. Help each other through the bullshit you have to sort through in life to get to the better things, the things more worthwhile. And God, I miss him. Not every day, I'm not gonna lie. But enough of the time, that I feel like there's a hole in my heart where his soul used to be able to latch on to me and make sense of my world. Even if it never made sense to anyone else. It was just how he was. How we were. How life was back then. Him and I had this amazing connection where we'd lose touch for a few years then things would come up and we'd miss each other and think about each other. And we'd reel each other in, somehow. We'd meet up at a coffeee house, or a laundry mat, or a book store neither of us had ever been to before. We'd just go in and there the other one would be, like we thought them into being. And every time we needed each other we were there. We never had current phone numbers, and most of the time we didn't even know which city the other was residing in at the time, but we'd find each other, because it was meant to be...
   The last time I was looking for him and missing him and wanting to see him so badly it'd been about two or three years since our last contact, and we never did get to meet up that last time. But I could feel his energy, the fires of his soul. That was the day before he died. And I never told anyone I was looking for him, not until now. And I don't know why I feel like it matters, but it does, somehow. I'd love to be able to say I felt it, but I didn't, I didn't feel him go. I just got a call from my mom saying she saw a wreck on the news, and that was it. I wrote a poem for him, and put it at the tree that took his life. I cried for him, and I spent hours phased out trying to see if I could still feel something there. And I couldn't. But I couldn't feel nothing either, it was void but not empty. Blank but not erased. It was just something that was, and wasn't, at the same time...
   And I don't know why I had to say all this, I don't know why I've felt so shut away from the world lately, or why he's invading my dreams and I can feel him again. I don't know where this life is leading, or where my story ends, but I feel like I can feel again, I can feel something at least. There, where he once was, so many years ago. And I still love that man I knew, the man he became. The boy I watched flourish over the years, so close to my heart even when distance kept us apart. And I still feel my heart cry over him some days, and I still feel the chaos he used to mend, that he somehow could twist to turn the world right again...
   So as I close this entry, I'm posting the poem I wrote on February 20th, 2010. And I know that whereever his soul rests, he is still out there in the universe. And he knows I'm thinking of him today.

~In Memory Of Brian~

To those we love, to those we lose, to those who just move on.

May all the gods of yesteryear your days shine upon.

The smiles of your warmth, the love in your eyes,

the hearts that were mended, the faith in our minds.

I hold sacred these memories of a past that cannot be destroyed.

For somewhere in these sacred realms is your love I have enjoyed.

Blessid be for health, love, and prosperity.

In life, death, and for eternity.

May all love be yours.

The Hidden Soul In Volumes

   All ten volumes (sorted by genre) of "The Hidden Soul" are currently being compiled. The first nine will be available in PDF download format by Christmas. These will be 100% free and available to anyone who emails requesting one, whether I know you or not. So if you know anyone who may be interested, please keep this in mind. All emails should have a subject title of "The Hidden Soul". Volumes 1-10 are as follows:
   1: Activism: Poems and insights influenced by a nature-based or poilitcal activist perspective
   2: Child's Essence: Poems and insights based on the purity found within a child's innocent world
   3: Gaiman: Poems and insights influenced by literature and other works created by Neil Gaiman
   4: Rainbows & Quirks: Poems and insights influenced by the happier and positive characteristics of life
   5: Romance: Poems and insights created with a more romantic outlook on life
   6: Self-Despair: Poems and insights of a more realistic nature, generally thought to be self-despairing, but also very revealing
   7: Spiritual: Poems and insights which stipulate, question, and emphasize a world of a more spiritual nature, composed primarily of sensitive issues looked upon in an inquisitive manner

   8: Thoughtful Darkness: Poems and insights which reflect an overall darker and deeper view of reality, but do not focus on one's own negative persona

   9: Lost Love: Poems and insights which reflect the darker aspects of love and relationships, and the casual decline of both

   10: Poetic Photographs: Selected poems and insights included in previous volumes but now melded with photographs to make appealing artwork

   Audio Anthology: Selected poems and insights included in previous volumes but now recorded onto an audio cd, personally read by the author

Court Rooms

   So this morning we figured out one important thing about court rooms. If the Petitioner does not show up, the case is automatically dismissed. That is, after over an hour of waiting in case they do decide to show up. So, the three month wait to solve the case of stupidity and false allegations is finally over and we can resume our previous communication or lack thereof with the party in question. That being said, this doesn't effect anything other than clearing my boyfriend's name of any wrong-doing, which may not seem like much but it's definately better than nothing...

FAPE (Free and Appropriate Public Education)

   I just got done with the meeting with the public school system about KiKi. Turns out that FAPE (free and appropriate public education) rules dictate that they cannot offer supportive services less than the minimum they see fit for an overall educational value. What does this mean? Simply put, it means that with him attending private school, they will not offer any supportive services such as therapy. It's all or nothing. Either I enroll him with them for four days a week or they forget my son exists basically, and do nothing whatsoever for him. So, I am continuing with the three day private preschool plan, and going to be talking to his pediatrician to see if he can be approved for therapy services through MOHealthNet (medicare). I don't know if they will do this or not, but it's the only way I might be able to get him therapy. Honestly, I'm not even sure what the therapy would do if he could get it at this point. But the private school still seems better fit to meet his current needs and theoretically I can still change his course of education and send him to the public school if I decide to at a later date. Although this is only a theory, and putting it into practice may prove difficult if I do eventually, for some unknown reason, decide to take that route... Meanwhile, his last day of therapy is tomorrow, and his first day in his new school is still set for the 30th of this month.  :)

KiKi's Latest Endeavor

   So the three older kids were at the table playing with playdoh, and I was on the couch watching my BF play his xbox. Then comes the thud from the back bedroom. KiKi pulled down the five-drawer boys' dresser. As in, all five drawers and the entire unit turned over on the floor. He's just sitting there looking at it, hands slightly red from some minor impact (faded in a few minutes), and a blank look on his face. I picked him up and put him in his crib while we reassemble the dresser as best as possible considering the impact literally ripped out multiple screws. The catch? KiKi is now in the crib just looking at us, watching. Never a sound from him, not even a whimper from going it the crib, nothing... Now the older three kids are in the bedroom picking up the books he dumped everywhere, and he's in the crib giggling while watching them. This is what scares us the most, he was not even the slightest bit phased by a large dresser coming down right next to him, and possibly having hit him slightly in the process. Looks like it's gonna be another night of checking him in a while to see if any signs of injury turn up, just in case he did hurt himself, since he won't let us know...

Thanksgiving Is...

   Thanksgiving is a holiday that means lots of different things to different people. People tend to have lots of family time and traditions surrounding this holiday, from watching football to watching the parade, carving a turkey or eating pumpkin or sweet potato pie. Sitting around the fireplace sharing memories and stories of days gone by, or watching the youngsters reconnect with others they haven't seen in almost a year...
   For me, Thanksgiving is something entirely different. Growing up, Thanksgiving was always a time of great stress on our family. There were usually lots of fights, and almost always someone would end up sick or even in the hospital if things got bad enough. We had turkey when I was younger, which switched to Cornish game hens as I grew, and we had pumpkin pie and cornbread and homemade gravy...
   Most of these traditions have not been passed, for want or need of something different. As a vegan, we usually have tofurkey and homemade pumpkin cheesecake, although this year that is in question due to the large amounts of soy...
   This year, my sister ended up in the hospital on Monday for surgery to have her gallbladder removed, and complications arose so they kept her overnight. For background, my sister and I get along well at a distance but not when we have to share a house. She currently resides in Minnesota and I haven't seen her in about 2.5 years. My mother is going through a lot of emotional distress at having postponed a planned trip up there, so I am trying to accomplish something just short of a miracle this year. I'm attempting to get us back together for the holiday. To convince my mom to make the trip to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, and to hope that this year goes better than those of my childhood. When it comes to family, I have a very strong desire to somehow always be looking forward and hope that the future continues to get better than the past we leave behind. This is true of life in general though, for if we always hold onto those things which do not help build us stronger and into a better vision of ourselves, how do we expect anything better to have room to enter our lives...
   My relationship with my mom is currently in its own form of turmoil, which is somewhat routine for us. And my relationship with my sister is pretty good this week, I think. In my family, this is all I have left of family. My brother and father having walked away from me so long ago I barely remember they even exist most days. Grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, all fade into the mists as they choose not to be a part of my journey into the future of my own life...
   While I see fantasies of large families with in-laws and cousins and three genereations gathered in one room, conversations of life in the 50's and how much you used to pay for a tank of gas or a loaf of bread, I do not know what this is like. I don't know how it feels to see so many people that are your relations in one place without some form of bloodshed, or emotional scars made anew...
   This saddens me because somehow I long for that. For the family I never had, for the past I could not smile through, and for the future my children will probably never know. Because while they may meet substitutes and people who are willing to take the place of family, they will never meet either of their real grandfathers, and will probably never be with their father for Christmas or Thanksgiving. They will never have memories of sitting on their great-grandparents' laps or the family they were borne into gathered, three genereations in one room. These are things I cannot fix. I can only hope that the family they adopt and grow into can somehow accept them as their own and eventually that this new found family can find a place in their hearts that outdoes the damage caused by the one I forced them into. They do not choose this exile from the past generations, it is not their fault, it is their curse. And yet, I know that this family that leaves them, they are the ones who will hurt from this loss in the end. My children will always know who their real family is, and will always continue to call these people their own...

Public School

Seriously... Since when do they hand a list of food to a first grader and tell them to circle whatever they will have their parents bring? Shouldn't the parents somehow get a say-so in this process? I'm now signed up to bring a pumpkin pie to class by Monday... It doesn't really bug me to bring a pie, but to have a 6 year old walk in your door and inform you that you are bringing a pie because she told everyone you would, that's a different story. I don't treat other adults (or even the kids) that way, I was taught that it's wrong to volunteer other people to do specific things without their input. Apparently, the school system somehow sees it differently. This is the same school system that does not see any reason to correct 1st graders for spelling numbers, letters, and entire words backwards. Yes, I get that they are "just kids", I also feel that if you don't at least encourage them to correct it then it will be even harder to correct it later, since it's already imprinting itself within their mind to do it the wrong way. These are the same people that trust kindergarteners with $35 photo packets that the parents didn't want and are responsible for paying for, and do not have the first clue on how to deal with a child that does not hear on top of being autistic (aka, they insist on talking to him and getting upset that he does not follow their orders)... While I agree completely that B does better in public school than she would at home, due to finding the peers such a high incentive to accomplish desired tasks, I seriously do not have very much faith in the system through which she is currently receiving that education...

KiKi's 3rd Birthday

My son, KiKi will be turning 3 on Saturday. This is his last week of therapy, since the state cuts off at 3 years old. His party will be next Tuesday evening, and he starts special needs preschool on the 30th. This is gonna be a busy two weeks, and I'm hoping he'll take to the changes well. I haven't been away from him on a regular basis at all since he left the NICU at 4 weeks old. About all I can say is that I trust the people he'll be with and I know they'll work with him the way he learns, rather than trying to force him to assimilate to behavior he doesn't understand... The last few weeks, he's been very stubborn with his therapy and hasn't been cooperating well. But he does know how to use basic PECS, it's just a question of getting him to want any given thing badly enough to do it... Eating is going very well. He now eats oatmeal from a spoon, and drinks from a sippy cup... He's given up the periodic regressions to crawling, and his public breakdowns are slightly less severe than they used to be... The progress he's made in the last year is nothing short of miraculous, so I'm really thankful to the people working with him and hoping he'll continue to flourish. Either way, it's hard to believe he's almost 3. My baby's growing up, and somehow the world's managing to adjust  :)

First Entry...

I finally decided to re-open my blog from long ago, only to find it has been lost in the eternal vastness of cyberspace, seeing as how the address that was once mine now belongs to someone else  :(  ...So here I am again, entering into the blogsphere of the ethereal kingdom of wifi and cyberware, under the name to which I attained as my own what feels like a life time ago... So what will this blog contain? Simply put, everything. Like or hate it, I don't care. This is a place for my poetry, a place for my journeys with homeschooling, step-parenting, raising my wonderfully unique son, and sorting out the eccentricities of my messed up emotional and mental states. This is my world, feel free to dive in head first, I know I have... So look for labels if you desire as I post, so far determined to be "poetry", "homeschooling", "step-parenting", "autism", "borderline", "vegan", and "life". I'm sure I'll add more, but right now that fits everything going on in my head, so it should be good enough. Expect posts whenever and read them or don't, your choice. I believe in free will, so live your own life and have fun with it, whatever you decide to do. Peace out.