Friday, January 28, 2011

Back To Writing & More

   I started writing again today, two so far. First poems I've written in almost a month. It comes and goes. My mom always wanted me to try to see if I could find a pattern/cycle to coincide with when I write more versus when it's difficult. We've tried everything: weather, days of the week/month, moon cycles, you name it... Honestly, I'm not sure. I've been in a depressive slump for a long while now, and I woke up feeling good today. So maybe that's it. Worth taking note of at the very least. While I feel better today spiritually and psychologically, I have a killer headache and nausea that won't settle and my heart's been giving me fits all week. Right now, it's taking all the energy I can muster to make sure school is dealt with and food is prepared.
   Early afternoon seems to be my worst time period, which is unusual for me. Normally it's my best when I'm like this. I'm not sure what's agitated my heart this time around, but it'll settle down eventually. I had three cupcakes yesterday, so that's probably the headache cause. And water's been fighting against me more lately. I know I'm back to my kidneys not processing it right. So goes life.
   I've got food on the stove, and laundry is almost caught up. Still have some skunk cupcakes left, going to take a few to mom at some point. She called this morning, having more issues with her BF. Now she's not answering her phone, so that probably means she forgave his crap and is pretending nothing ever happened again.
   Romy's been scratching himself all day, he's working on peeling off some loose skin that's giving him fits. His afternoon bath is waiting until my BF gets home, because I can't handle that right now. Time to get off of here, food's ready and I need to rest.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mid Week Moments

   My ghetto phone broke yesterday. It was literally being held together by one wire and some electrical tape for the last week, since the hinge was completely broken off on both sides of the screen. The tape came loose and the wire finally gave way. I got a new phone, going with StraightTalk this time, get away from AT&T. Got the cheapest phone they had, but it works. I can even get on FaceBook and check my email with it, which is a first. It'll take a while to get used to texting though, the menus for it are completely different than what I'm used to. On a positive note, I kept my old number. Not that it matters much, since no one seems to text much anyway lately. Although my BF finally got this number memorized 5-6 months ago, so he would not be too happy if I had gotten a new number.
   I bought the fancy puzzle cupcake holders to be able to make a skunk for the wedding. Actually got three sets, which is enough to make three skunks. Going to be doing a sample run in the next day or two to see how they cook up and how this brand of cake mix tastes. Hopefully my BF likes it, we haven't tried Namaste before. Also need to buy some food coloring, so we can have colorful skunks. Plan on taking pictures of the sample if I remember to do so.
   Got taxes filed on Tuesday. Should be here in 8-15 days, which is good because we are late on way too many things with how my BF's work has been lately. He started the new job, and we're really hoping the old place calls him with good news and wants him back asap. Because the new job sucks, for lots of reasons.
   Romy is still boycotting crickets, but he now eats his supplement and a full syringe of chicken baby food every other day, as well as taking colloidal silver baths. I also started him on betadine scrubs yesterday, so far the infection doesn't seem to be getting worse and his health is stabilized, at least.
   KiKi is feeling much better, but to his "normal" self, if there is such a thing. He's been eating about 2-2.5 meals a day, which is still plenty for him. And he's less grouchy than he has been lately, and back to sleeping a lot less.
   ZoKo has been doing less schoolwork lately than she's technically supposed to, but considering that she's two grade ahead and on her second history book and second science book this year, I don't think that skipping a few topics each day will really hurt her any in the long run. She's getting plenty of hours in, and still doing her math, reading, and penmanship, which are the main areas that require routine upkeep.
   B is doing well in school, and the she's been getting along really well with ZoKo lately. She seems to have found stability for herself and is doing well with any adjustments that have been made.
   Odie is still having a hard time. He's in a phase where he almost constantly wants to be somewhere other than where he is, and it doesn't seem to matter how we try to work with him. We're hoping that given time he adjusts better to the situation. In the mean time, we're trying to keep a routing and sense of order so that hopefully it pays off in the long run. I'd love to be able to say I have it all figured out, but I don't think anyone ever really does.
   It's Thursday today, my last day going to town this week. I have to go back this evening to take my mom to the Healing Circle (mainly Reiki and Quantum Touch). My wedding dress should arrive today as well (assuming delivery is on time). I'll try it on and let you know if I still like it. Debating on how to have my hair, we like the bright blue (right after dying), the pale blue (a few weeks after dying), and the bleached (almost white) blonde. I guess we'll just wait until the first part of June then decide what feels right at the moment.
   Mom and I hit up Michael's, and they had all their Christmas merchandise shoved into tied shopping bags for $2 a grab bag. We wiped them out, and are digging through, keeping anything we want and holding onto the rest for a spring yard sale. It shouldn't be hard to get $20 back out of everything. Most of the stuff isn't really even Christmas, like animal print shipping labels (which are really cute, and might just end up on wedding invites)... Oh, the wedding invites should be here before too long, and now we're looking for a skunk rubber stamp. Found one online for $15 (after shipping), but was hoping to find one locally instead. So far no luck. As for what the stamp is for, you'll have to wait on that one because it is a surprise. Although I'll probably tell you in a week or two anyway, because I really despise surprises and thus suck at keeping them. I'm more the "give them their gift when you buy it rather than waiting two weeks" type. So we'll just see.
   The girls each got new boxes for all of their hair stuff & lip gloss. They're really tackle boxes that were on clearance at Bass Pro, but don't tell them that. They love them. They had all of their hair stuff in Blue Bunny ice cream containers. Each had their own, and both were overflowing (as in you couldn't get the lids on even). So now they each have their own big box, and can actually find stuff...
   Can't really think of more to write now, so I'll hit you up again later (eventually)... Until then, peace out  :)

Monday, January 24, 2011

Turning Inward: Ten Things To Do

QUESTION: If you had all the time in the world, what ten things would you most want to do? (in no particular order)

1. go scuba diving near Antarctica
2. see the Great Pyramids/Sphinx
3. help my kids become responsible, caring adultsm
4. see the Aurora Borealis
5. see the White Nights in Russia
6. visit all 7 continents
7. get my dream house
8. slow down and embrace all the little opportunies that pop up in life that you have to pass up because of time
9. make a difference in someone's life
10. open a wildlife refuge for breeding/helping endangered species

Wedding Preparations: The Location

   We drove down to Eureka Springs on Saturday. We being me, my fiancee, KiKi and ZoKo. KiKi was still feeling rough, so he spent all day screaming. Other than that, it went well. We looked around Eureka Springs for almost an hour, then met the lady that owns the ranch. She took us down to the cabins and showed us around the place a little bit. The cabins are nice, small but cute. The church is the same. Old, small, and cute. ZoKo played the piano in the church for a few minutes, she liked that.
   We are planning on getting married on the bridge in front of the church, it's one of those small arch bridges. We're supposed to ride in on horseback, and the guests will get a hay ride to the church. I'm not sure about the timing on that as to whether it will be all the guests or just the ones staying at the cabin. Because I think the hay ride is almost an hour, which means that people would have to show up at least that long before the ceremony. I figure I'll work all those details out a week or so before the actual date. Also not sure what we're doing with KiKi, that'll just depend on his mood when we get down there. FYI, anyone who can't stand hearing a child scream should not attend. Because he most likely will be some, most, or all of the time. That's just KiKi for you...
   We paid the deposit, date is set for June 24th. Hopefully everything goes well between now and then. :)  I've set up a wedding website with details on the ceremony, pictures of us, and a short story about how we met. I'll be adding more later. The site is for anyone who would like to see it. It is password protected, so if you don't have the password, message me on facebook or text me or use the "request password" option on the link to get it in your email  :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


   I've spent the last several days looking at I don't know how many websites about various locations, packages, and lodging places for a wedding. Everything from mountaintops to chapels, Texas to Missouri, traditional to country bound... And so far what have I figured out? I've figured out that this all is way too much exhausting work trying to find something similar to what you want, and then it boils down to something you can settle with. So we decide on Arkansas. Two days and countless websites later, we're still waiting on responses from three different places, with three completely different ceremony styles, and in completely different parts of the state...
   What else I've figured out? That trying to come up with one thing that everyone will be content with is totally not anywhere near being in the picture, and that the song "Garden Party" had it right- You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself... I told my sister yesterday that I'm just trying to come up with something that everyone would be happy with being there for. And as she so brilliantly stated, that's up to them, whether or not they're happy. And well, yeah...
   Growing up, I flipped between swearing I'd never get married and dreaming about the perfect wedding in Hawaii on horseback under a remote waterfall during a sunset. Aka, I even had the company picked out I was going to go with, they fly out by helicopter to a remote location and then you ride in by horse the last 30 minutes to the water fall, and the only other people their are the officiant and the paid witnesses. And it included a 5 day honeymoon cruise... Yeah, I'm pathetic, I know.
   My first wedding was small, it was just us, my kids, my mom, and the next door neighbor that we invited last minute as a second witness. Well, she invited everyone she had over because they happened to be having a party that night. So I think in total we ended up with about 15 guests. But we only knew 1 of them... It was night time, on a bridge in front of a lit up fountain in the middle of a pond. And I wore jeans and a tank top. His family was invited, but they refused to come because of their strong disapproval of me. So maybe that's why the family and everybody being happy part is important to me.
   I want the second time around to be right. But what is right? My father won't be there. He doesn't know and doesn't care. I might send a text to my brother eventually, I haven't decided yet. My sister and her family are talking about coming down, if they can manage it financially and time-wise. My mom will be there. My mom wanted me to invite her siblings, just to be nice, or social, or whatever. These are people I haven't even talked to in several years... As for my BF, his mom passed away a few years ago. His dad and step-mom have to be there or he won't go through with it, his brother is going to be invited, but I don't know about anyone else in his family. I don't even know most of the others.
   Friends. I don't know. I'm planning on inviting them when we finally settle on a date/time. But considering that most of them can't be bothered to drive 15 minutes for my birthday, I don't see many of them driving a minimum of 2 hours to attend my wedding. Just being honest. My mom just keeps telling me that that's why she just eloped for her first wedding, trying to make all the arrangements and everything work together just got to them. But when you're asking people to come in from different states, last minute doesn't exactly work. And eloping isn't an option because too many people would probably never forgive us for that, even if they don't understand us getting married to begin with.
   So right now, I'm torn between mountains, horses, and rivers. Cabins, hotels, bed & breakfasts. Churches, waterfalls, and bridges. Just family or friends too. No lodging, one night, or two... About all I do know is that the Arkansas part sounds good, and June seems to work for most people involved (I don't have a date preference). And no matter which option I go with, it all costs more and takes more time to arrange than I want it to. But so goes life.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Life Right Now

   So we looked at a house today. And considering the roof was literally falling in in the second living area, it's kinda basically a no go. Drove past a few others, called on a few, and plan on seeing more next week.
   Went with my fiance to pick up his paycheck today. First time I've ever been in his place of work. Not only did he not bother to introduce me to any of the many people he talked to, but he also neglected to tell anyone that he's now engaged. So, needless to say, I've been giving him crap about it all day. It really doesn't bug me in the slightest, but it is entertaining to harass him about it  :P
   I'm taking a break from social networking (aka FaceBook). I'll be on enough to reply to anyone worth replying to, but I'm done with some stuff that's been on there lately. I get that most of my friends think I'm making a horrible decision and ruining my life by getting engaged. But it's my life, and there's only so many times you can tell me how much I'm messing up before I literally want to just haul off and deck you. So yeah, I'm taking a break from that before it gets to me more than it already has. Great to know I have such caring friends though. To those few of you who have offered a humble "congrats" (sincere or otherwise), thank you so much  :)
   As for the rest of life, it's going. Good or bad, I gave up on trying to determine. But it is going somewhere, so I guess that's something. School is going well for ZoKo and B. Odie is doing well at school but very resistant and stubborn at home.
   And KiKi is, well, he's still KiKi. Although he's now using his PECS cards for "bowl" & "sippy cup" 100% of the time at home, and "puzzle" is used about 75% of the time at this point. He's still eating oatmeal twice a day (most days), but he also gets ground up mac cheese or something similar at least one meal a day. He's now chewing about 99% of his mouthfuls before swallowing, but still has issues with anything larger than a small corn kernal. He also is finally letting a blanket be on his lap in the truck, which is a huge accomplishment. We convinced him that if he wants his cd in the truck, it comes with the blanket. And if the blanket is removed, we take the cd. After three trips in the truck listening to him scream every time I took his cd back for him tossing the blanket, he finally decided to cave in. He won't touch the blanket at all, holding his free hand in mid air to keep it from accidentally falling on it, but that's fine for now at least. It means I don't have to worry about him being chilly on car rides anymore :)
   Romy is still boycotting crickets, so the syringe is filled and fed to him twice a day, every day to keep him going. His left eye is still seeping some off and on and still tries to seal shut every 24 hours or so, so he's getting a hot soak every day. He eats better in water anyway, so most days he gets to soak twice.
   I'm still working on my poetry publication, but right now too many things are on the front burner, so I don't know what's gonna end up shuffled to the back to keep things working. But so goes life. Can't think of anything else anyone might be the slightest bit interested in reading at the moment, so this is it for now. Keep in touch or don't, either way, I'll be around...somewhere...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Ring

The Proposal

   Well, my BF finally got around to doing it. He's talked about maybe getting married for a long while now, but wouldn't ask because I told him a while back that I wouldn't (we were going through a really rough patch). So, I finally looked up rings online until I found the perfect one. Then when he was looking up his gun stuff online and went out to the garage to check on something, I accidentally left the screen on the page for the ring I wanted. So, a week later it shows up in the mail and he tried to just hand me the box. I told him he was doing it wrong and better do it right, so he finally got down on his knees and asked me to marry him. I called him a few names (due mostly to his incooperation), then said yes and got my ring  :P  So my BF is now my fiance. And don't ask when the wedding is, because we honestly haven't even discussed that. So about all I can say is it won't be anytime soon. He's already told me his dad (in Texas) would have to be there, so yeah, it's not exactly an immediate issue. Suffice it to say, right now it's more a label than anything else. But sometimes labels are a good thing  :)

Monday, January 10, 2011


   The minimalist attitude is one that has always appealed to me. However, being that I am a very possessive person, I find that I cannot stick to it's principles for long. I will get in the minimalist frame of mind, and sell 90% of my personal possessions. Then, I have shopping impulse control issues, and rebuy 75% of what I got rid of. After repeating this cycle over the years, I rapidly find that I have sold and rebought the same movie on dvd at least half a dozen times, being conservative. Seeing as how much dvd's and other things cost, and I simply give things away rather than selling them, you can quickly see how much money and time is wasted in this routine process.
   So here begs the question, can a possessive person ever become a minimalist? I don't know. I read stories about the 100 things pledge, and that's simply not me. Between four kids and my own interests, it's not gonna happen. And I really don't want to sell and buy the same items again (which is the main reason I haven't sold or given away much towards the cause of minimalism in the last year)...
   So where does this leave me? I don't know. I like the feeling of being able to hold something and know that that thing is yours, rather than just a book you borrowed or loaned from someone else. I've thought about cutting down my print book collection and getting most of them on my kindle instead, but then you still own it either way, so is that truly cutting down just because it takes up less space? And I would much rather hold a print book in my hands than one more electronic device. We have too many of those we rely on already...
   And when you can buy books at the library book sale for $1 or less each, is it really that bad to own them? Most of my personal book collection consists of Neil Gaiman, Ted Andrews, Peanuts, classic literature, and homeschooling textbooks. I got rid of most of the literature I considered frivilous years ago, which makes my current collection about 1/5 of what it used to be. As for movies, if you already own it and you get rid of it, then you have to pay money if you decide you ever want to see that movie again, plus the waiting period to get it through netflix or redbox, if they even have it. And our collection is in zipper cases now, so they take up one small shelf total (dvd's, cd's, cd-rom's)...
   As for right now, I feel like cutting down on the extra stuff laying around would be a good start, but even then I don't know where to really go from there. I can get rid of ZoKo's computer, they don't use it much anymore anyway, and yet it was in use yesterday. It's great for looking up stuff on encyclopedias and has a lot of educational games on it to help with homeschooling or just for fun learning time...
   Right now, I don't know much about what I'm doing anyway. I feel more lost and confused than anything else. So much of my life isn't how I want it to be. And anyone who knows me knows it's been that way for a long while now. But I don't know how to change it or get it there. People just tell me to do things different, to just stop focusing on certain things and move on and get over it. Like that really helps.
   And my BF and I go in opposite directions so much of the time, the pull gets to be such a strain. I want to get rid of stuff, so he buys more. Or I try to save things and he doesn't see why and I can't explain it in a way that seems to make much sense. And my own anxieties about life are getting worse again, cropping back into the world I've tried to keep them away from. Why can't we just be in some place off grid in the middle of nowhere, and be able to live without all these societal expectations creeping in and destroying everything we work so hard to accomplish? I'm suffocating in the "norms" of society, simply because I don't want to be here, in your world. But it all takes money. In order to leave it behind, become self-sustaining and not rely and anything else to pull your own way through this world, you have to have money. To get it all started. And we don't have that. Don't have the money it takes to just pick up and walk away and live by your own means in your own way. Maybe the Amish have it right, bail on all the electrical crap, isolate from the people that bring noise and chaos to their order, and run your own world, exempt from so many rules everyone else must endure...
   I would love nothing more than to move to a dome in the middle of the mountains with a greenhouse out back and at least 20 miles to the nearest small town. And as soon as I win the lottery, it'll all happen... Until then, here's to the world I can't even dream of...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Turning Inward: Favorite Quote

QUESTION: Choose a favorite quote and copy it here. Then write about what it means to you.

This one I find very challenging, to pick just one quote out of so many that fit me... After much thought, I would have to go with this one:

"What, is that a rhetorical question? Why is my life so complicated? Gee, I don't know. Why is your life so fucking simple?" -Playing By Heart

As for it means, I think it's kid of obvious, but maybe that's just me. My life is very complicated, always has been. And I get tired of everyone else always having the perfect life, perfect job, perfect kids, perfect everything. And these people always have the answers to all of life's difficulties, and make everything in their life seem so simple. And I know that it's not as perfect and easy as they make it seem, but seriously, some day I just want to vomit listening to their stories and how wonderful everything in their life is... That's not me, maybe I overcomplicate things, make them more difficult than they need to be. I don't know. But even if I do, is that always such a bad thing?

FYI: Runner-Ups for faves include:

"I don't want to be rude, or unkind, or mean. But I don't just come out with my entire life story over martinis and a coke." -Playing By Heart

"It's like trying to find a need... no, not a needle. Something SMALLER than a needle, in a haystack, when you don't even know if you're in the right field!" -MirrorMask

"I wasn't naked, I was completely covered by a blue spotlight." -Gypsy Rose Lee

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe

Child Support

   We have some basics we want to purchase that keep getting put off due to a lack of funds. These include new plastic drawer units for dressers for the boys, a bottle brush to make it easier to clean sippy cups, lizard cleaner & river rocks, cd holders, batteries, and other assorted items, most of which are in the $5-10 range. The kids hear us talking about wanting to get such things when we have the money, and a few things have become more pressing of an issue (such as the bottle brush and batteries), so it gets stated that I will get those as soon as I get child support (assuming I actually remember to do so)...
   Well, having heard the phrase enough times, such as when she wants to go somewhere or get something out of the necessary essentials, she finally asked the question. "Mommy, what's child support?" So I explain to her that it is money to support the children, in this case, her and her brother. And that the state looks at how much money her father makes and decides an appropriate amount to help raise her and KiKi, and gives that money to me instead of to him. So that part of the money that he makes from working helps to take care of his kids, since it costs more money for the parent that the kids live with than for the parent that only sees them occassionally (considering the cost of food, clothes, school supplies, etc). Hopefully I explained it better to her than I am managing to write down at the moment  :P
   ...Anyway, she decided that's really nice that her father helps to take care of her even though he isn't here. I've heard mixed opinions on whether children should know about child support and such things or not, but honestly, I think he should receive credit for contributing to the children rather than trying to run from those basic responsibilities. In his case, I do feel that the current amount I'm getting is probably harsh, because of it being so much higher than the monthly amount due to some back owed from a time period where he was unable to pay. That being said, I also let Zoko know that even though I haven't taken many trips for her to see him, the money for those trips has come from saved up child support. So, I guess about all I can say is I'm trying to do right by it and insure that the money goes towards the kids for things they truly need (or just desparately want in some cases)...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Starting Over

   Every few years, I go through this period where I so so so badly want to start over, new place, new people, etc. Just vanish and come to somewhere else. I cut ties with most of my past, holding on to just a few people and things that for one reason or another, I choose not to part with. I also get rid of most of the mundane things that tie me down, and I move on to other quests, journeys, and ideals. I don't have a good explanation for why this happens, other than that it's a yearning deep in my soul, to become something else, something other than what I've been. And I know that doing so is impossible if you refuse to let go of those things which keep you as you are.
   I should have known when I dyed my hair, or got another reptile, or when I started losing interest in so many things I once cherished, and could no longer find a way to enjoy such mundane activities as I once did. But somehow, I let all that slide. I ignored those feelings welling up inside of my being. Those screams for something other than I had. And here I am. Wondering why I'm holding onto these things, why I have yet to admit such feats as my soul does feel.
   It's time to move on, and I don't know how or where to go. I don't know who will chose to continue to be a part of my journey, or who else's path I should cross in the near future. This emptiness has dredged up way too far already, and I need another escape. A way out of the hole I've dug.
   I don't see practical a way in which to invoke these desired changes until spring, which eats away at my soul in anticipation. I'll try to maintain until then. The winds of change are blowing, and the direction in which the settle is yet to be seen, for now the tornadoes they form merely relocate and shift the world we know. And these things cannot hold ties forever, so as all things, we too must let go. And eventually, when these airs settle and the fields sprout anew, the damage done shall be but a memory and the blossoms will prove well worth the wait...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Turning Inward: Courage & Support

QUESTION: If I had all the courage and support I needed, I would...

   If I had all the courage and support I needed, I would start over. I'd go someplace fresh and new and I'd live life on my terms. I'd raise my kids the way I want to, the way that feels right to me, inside. I wouldn't feel nearly as rejected and outcast as I do most days, and I wouldn't try so hard to cover up the me hidden somewhere inside. And I don't try to cover that up now, but I know I can't show it. Not really. And maybe if I didn't feel so much opposition from the people close to me, it would be easier to let those things that matter most to me show more, and I could be more of who I feel I somehow am, hidden in this dream in your realm.

About Romy

   Romy is the newest member of our family, the water dragon we got for Christmas. I haven't written much about him, and honestly, I'm not sure why. He has a good home here, we take him out to spend time with us every day. Romy is definately a good fit for our family. And he knows it. He's been through a lot before he came here, and still has the scars to show it. But that just makes him fit in better with our family. He is missing the tips of most of his toes, and the tip of his tail is gone as well. The last 1/2-3/4 inch of the tail he does have has been broken so that while it is still attached, it is not really still a part of his tail. I don't know how else to explain it. About a week ago, his left eye sealed up so that he could no longer open it, and thus could not see to hunt. He was already on a dietary supplement due to losing a bit of weight, so I adjusted the dosage to meet his full dietary needs. So for a week he's been eating all of his food from a syringe. I do not know what caused the eye to seal shut. I've been giving him warm baths in the hope that it would help, and today it finally paid off. After half an hour of rubbing on his eye with a wet washcloth while he was soaking, enough caked on dirt and puss came off that he can now fully open his eye. And the immediate pouncing response proved that it is functioning properly.  :)  I still fed him through the syringe, but I'm hoping he can go back to hunting crickets and just receiving the supplement as needed. As for the syringe, he's gotten used to it. As long as you don't touch the plastic to his mouth, he will open his mouth enough to let you squirt some in, taking a few minutes between mouthfuls to swallow everything. All in all, it takes 15-30 minutes to feed a water dragon this way, in case you were wondering. But it's worth every second of it. As for the eye, it is still slightly black around it, but everything else looks great. Romy is our resident people watcher, he loves to sit up on his hind legs like a meerkat so he can see out his cage and watch everything we're doing in the living room. He'll turn his head to watch us walk by and scamper to pretend he's not watching you if you approach his cage. It's not an eerie feeling though, it feels good to have him watching over us, like somehow his protection is very powerful. Oh, and he bites hard enough to draw blood, which would be a good thing if we ever had intruders. No, he's not aggresive in the slightest, he just got mad the first few times I had to use the syringe, before we came to an understanding...