Minimalism

   The minimalist attitude is one that has always appealed to me. However, being that I am a very possessive person, I find that I cannot stick to it's principles for long. I will get in the minimalist frame of mind, and sell 90% of my personal possessions. Then, I have shopping impulse control issues, and rebuy 75% of what I got rid of. After repeating this cycle over the years, I rapidly find that I have sold and rebought the same movie on dvd at least half a dozen times, being conservative. Seeing as how much dvd's and other things cost, and I simply give things away rather than selling them, you can quickly see how much money and time is wasted in this routine process.
   So here begs the question, can a possessive person ever become a minimalist? I don't know. I read stories about the 100 things pledge, and that's simply not me. Between four kids and my own interests, it's not gonna happen. And I really don't want to sell and buy the same items again (which is the main reason I haven't sold or given away much towards the cause of minimalism in the last year)...
   So where does this leave me? I don't know. I like the feeling of being able to hold something and know that that thing is yours, rather than just a book you borrowed or loaned from someone else. I've thought about cutting down my print book collection and getting most of them on my kindle instead, but then you still own it either way, so is that truly cutting down just because it takes up less space? And I would much rather hold a print book in my hands than one more electronic device. We have too many of those we rely on already...
   And when you can buy books at the library book sale for $1 or less each, is it really that bad to own them? Most of my personal book collection consists of Neil Gaiman, Ted Andrews, Peanuts, classic literature, and homeschooling textbooks. I got rid of most of the literature I considered frivilous years ago, which makes my current collection about 1/5 of what it used to be. As for movies, if you already own it and you get rid of it, then you have to pay money if you decide you ever want to see that movie again, plus the waiting period to get it through netflix or redbox, if they even have it. And our collection is in zipper cases now, so they take up one small shelf total (dvd's, cd's, cd-rom's)...
   As for right now, I feel like cutting down on the extra stuff laying around would be a good start, but even then I don't know where to really go from there. I can get rid of ZoKo's computer, they don't use it much anymore anyway, and yet it was in use yesterday. It's great for looking up stuff on encyclopedias and has a lot of educational games on it to help with homeschooling or just for fun learning time...
   Right now, I don't know much about what I'm doing anyway. I feel more lost and confused than anything else. So much of my life isn't how I want it to be. And anyone who knows me knows it's been that way for a long while now. But I don't know how to change it or get it there. People just tell me to do things different, to just stop focusing on certain things and move on and get over it. Like that really helps.
   And my BF and I go in opposite directions so much of the time, the pull gets to be such a strain. I want to get rid of stuff, so he buys more. Or I try to save things and he doesn't see why and I can't explain it in a way that seems to make much sense. And my own anxieties about life are getting worse again, cropping back into the world I've tried to keep them away from. Why can't we just be in some place off grid in the middle of nowhere, and be able to live without all these societal expectations creeping in and destroying everything we work so hard to accomplish? I'm suffocating in the "norms" of society, simply because I don't want to be here, in your world. But it all takes money. In order to leave it behind, become self-sustaining and not rely and anything else to pull your own way through this world, you have to have money. To get it all started. And we don't have that. Don't have the money it takes to just pick up and walk away and live by your own means in your own way. Maybe the Amish have it right, bail on all the electrical crap, isolate from the people that bring noise and chaos to their order, and run your own world, exempt from so many rules everyone else must endure...
   I would love nothing more than to move to a dome in the middle of the mountains with a greenhouse out back and at least 20 miles to the nearest small town. And as soon as I win the lottery, it'll all happen... Until then, here's to the world I can't even dream of...