Thursday, April 21, 2011

Wondering Why

   Lately being stuck between a rock and a hard place seems like such an extreme understatement for my life. I've been so busy between trying to sort out things with Odie, and school for the kids, and taking care of the kids, and housework, and trying to organize stuff, and trying to somewhere squeeze in a very strained relationship, and listening to my mom's rants about her life, that my personal me time was lost in the shuffle long ago. Unfortunately, things like this blog are considered part of that me time. While I frequently think of things I should write on here, I seldom have the time to actually do so. Or I'll start to type up a post, then won't have time to finish it. And by the time I get back to it however many hours or days later, the thought pattern is completely lost.
   That being said, this is my life. And right at this moment I'm wondering why. My mom is still hung up on her old lover, and keeps going back and forth on whether she wants to be with him or not. And thus keeps calling me crying about life, from one extreme to the other. Having been through this emotional roller coaster myself, I'd love to be able to make things simpler or clearer or help her through them somehow. But, unfortunately, the only thing I can think of to do is to explain to her that she has to sort through this one on her own. Because every time I was in those situations, my mother's only piece of advice to me was "get over it or get out of my house", so I don't exactly have the best database of advice to pull from when it comes to relationships.
  And somehow, it all comes back to being my fault, again. Just as everything always has. And people wonder why I'm so hard on myself. Well, heck, if you're gonna sit there and tell me that if I'd just left you alone completely everything would have worked out and that that was the only thing that ruined things in the end, yeah, I'm gonna feel like crap... My whole life, it's been this roller coaster ride through hell and back, constantly trying to figure out where I stand. As a child, my only dream was to be able to make my mom proud of me, just once. As a mom, my only dream has been to make it through one day without my daughter seeing me cry. I haven't accomplished either.
   I guess in the end, none of that really matters anyway. But how do you comfort someone who never knew how to comfort you? I don't know. It's amazing how anything anyone says or does can be taken so many different ways and twisted and molded and carved to be made into excatly whatever the observer chooses to see or hear. And I don't know where to go from here. How many days do I spend crying over my failures that caused someone else's turmoil? I don't know.
   My thoughts are too chaotic for me to focus at all right now, so I'm done for now. I'll try to write again soon. Hopefully your life is smoother at the moment. Peace out.

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