Thursday, April 21, 2011

Wondering Why

   Lately being stuck between a rock and a hard place seems like such an extreme understatement for my life. I've been so busy between trying to sort out things with Odie, and school for the kids, and taking care of the kids, and housework, and trying to organize stuff, and trying to somewhere squeeze in a very strained relationship, and listening to my mom's rants about her life, that my personal me time was lost in the shuffle long ago. Unfortunately, things like this blog are considered part of that me time. While I frequently think of things I should write on here, I seldom have the time to actually do so. Or I'll start to type up a post, then won't have time to finish it. And by the time I get back to it however many hours or days later, the thought pattern is completely lost.
   That being said, this is my life. And right at this moment I'm wondering why. My mom is still hung up on her old lover, and keeps going back and forth on whether she wants to be with him or not. And thus keeps calling me crying about life, from one extreme to the other. Having been through this emotional roller coaster myself, I'd love to be able to make things simpler or clearer or help her through them somehow. But, unfortunately, the only thing I can think of to do is to explain to her that she has to sort through this one on her own. Because every time I was in those situations, my mother's only piece of advice to me was "get over it or get out of my house", so I don't exactly have the best database of advice to pull from when it comes to relationships.
  And somehow, it all comes back to being my fault, again. Just as everything always has. And people wonder why I'm so hard on myself. Well, heck, if you're gonna sit there and tell me that if I'd just left you alone completely everything would have worked out and that that was the only thing that ruined things in the end, yeah, I'm gonna feel like crap... My whole life, it's been this roller coaster ride through hell and back, constantly trying to figure out where I stand. As a child, my only dream was to be able to make my mom proud of me, just once. As a mom, my only dream has been to make it through one day without my daughter seeing me cry. I haven't accomplished either.
   I guess in the end, none of that really matters anyway. But how do you comfort someone who never knew how to comfort you? I don't know. It's amazing how anything anyone says or does can be taken so many different ways and twisted and molded and carved to be made into excatly whatever the observer chooses to see or hear. And I don't know where to go from here. How many days do I spend crying over my failures that caused someone else's turmoil? I don't know.
   My thoughts are too chaotic for me to focus at all right now, so I'm done for now. I'll try to write again soon. Hopefully your life is smoother at the moment. Peace out.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Tuesday Again...

   It's Tuesday, here in the land of chaoticness somehow resembling something that once was considered to be my life. I'm at my mom's house, as per usual for this time of day midweek. I mowed half of her front yard this morning, before the mower died. The electric mower doesn't like it when the grass gets this tall. But she'll still do her work, just takes a bit longer and she has to be treated nicely. So I'm waiting for her to recharge now.
   Took Odie to school this morning, gas is at $3.49, which really sucks. It means the $40-45 a week I was paying to take him to school is now more like $50-60 a week, an extra ten bucks we really don't have. But oh well, we're gonna make it work, just like everything else.
   This last weekend was visitation for B and Odie, and it's been hell since they came back. B's stomach hurt really bad all day yesterday, so I was having to force her to eat. It hurt so bad from not eating enough during the weekend, again. You'd think someone would catch on eventually. She also had that prissy attitude that's inevitable the day of her return. That only takes 24 hours to break with her though... Odie, however, is a whole different issue. Yesterday, he was back to wetting his pants, outright ignoring me, and refusing to do anything he was asked to do. We spent hours trying to work with him, and unfortunately, today is proving to be a repeat, aside from the time he was in school. Thankfully, he has always done well in school, and is at the top of his class for behavior and top of the boys' for academics. I'm hoping that doesn't change...
   KiKi finally figured out that he can climb out of his crib, which means we have to get him a new bed soon (if he climbs out again anytime soon). We're hoping that he decides to stay in a bit longer, which is an even shot considering how much he scared himself. He wasn't trying to get out, he was trying to pull a toy from outside into his crib... He has been expanding his diet a lot lately, which is very good. We still have to grind up everything, but we've gotten used to that part of life... He's trying to run now, which comes out as a very fast walk. But it's awesome progress! :)
   ZoKo was allowed back on her computer yesterday. She hadn't been on it in a few months. The games she was playing were all educational, and she managed to rack up 4 hours of schooling throughout the course of the day, while playing games... No, I don't let her normally play for that long. But I had my hands full between other chores, projects, and dealing with Odie. And B was watching her and took a few turns, so it kept both girls occupied for the majority of the day... Typically, they're allowed on the computer for more like half an hour, 1-2 times a week...
   Time for lunch, and I'm out of things to say of a semi-positive nature, so I'm closing this out. I will be posting again shortly, in order to reveal some changes to the labels index on here, and to discuss things that normally are not to be discussed according to the wonderful stipulations of our beloved society... ...anyone else sense a little sarcasm there? no? good, it's just me then... love ya :P