I would really like to know why I hate myself so much. I mean I get the medical stuff. But it feels more like an excuse than an explanation. And I don't know what to do about it. I do want things to be different than what they are. But no, I don't have the slightest clue as to how to even start to maybe accomplish anything in that realm of my existence. So where does that leave me? I guess exactly where I have been this whole time, just like it always has. I've never been able to separate the blackness from the dark, and maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe this world, this chaos I feed off of is meant to be there, just keep tearing at my soul.
I wrote that yesterday actually, on my phone. But I didn't get around to posting it then, so I'm posting it now. And I guess it still basically holds true. Today has been one of those days. Another one of those days. Oh well, it's my life. I don't know why I'm here. Or at least why anyone would want me to be. I'm sick of all the crap around here. Dealing with the way everyone else thinks life should work. I'm not one of those people. It isn't that easy for me. And I don't know how to explain that. And I don't think I should have to either.
I've spent a good deal of today crying, or rather, trying to pretend that I haven't been. And I think mostly it's gone alright. Got KiKi and ZoKo out for a walk, and am now watching a movie from my childhood, Ben Wagner. It used to be called The Witching Of Ben Wagner, but apparently they changed the name when they moved it onto VHS/DVD off of TV. Oh well, it's still the same movie, and so now I'm attempting to taint my kids with a dose of the things I used to appreciate - back from those good ol' days... Not that they were really that good, but that's what we say, isn't it? I don't know why, probably just because past pain doesn't seem to hurt quite as bad as the current agonies, kind of like managing to "get over it" somehow in our own little ways. Who knows...
I don't know what else to say right now, so I'm gonna bail. Be back later with ZoKo's weekly review that's running a day or two behind (depending on when exactly I get around to posting it). Oh, something cool, she did get to see the ISS and meteor shower Saturday morning (5:05 am)... Totally worth bailing their butts out of bed a few hours early :)